Sometimes I feel like I’m not grateful…


Assalamualaikum (:

Hey there? Whatcha doin’? Any of you here watch Phineas & Ferb? I don’t, that’s the infamous words I would never be able to pronounce exactly the same. Fyi, this is the longest post so far. Go make yourself cozy.

No one was born with the imperfection, those who were born with no arms or legs are special; there are limited edition. We’re perfect in our own ways. Yet, there’s no such thing as ‘she/ he screams perfection.’

Because you should say out loud, ‘I am the one who screams perfection.’ 

Hmm.. let me give you an example, take a look at the Instagram beauty influencers? They make me feel so ugly sometimes, they appear like a porcelain doll with the fairest and flawless skin. Who’re nothing like me! In fact, the complete opposite of me. But, have we seen them in real life? Like, right in front of your face? If you zoom closely, I bet you might find at least one acne scar. Perhaps, they could be having breakouts, don’t forget that makeup can hide anything you wish.

It’s all about practice makes perfect, if you wear makeup everyday, you’ll reach to the point that everyone’s having a hard time finding a tiny smudge on the eye-shadow crease.

It has been a while since the last time we spoke, I mean, the last time I let my fingers danced on the keyboard, It was around middle of January. I have been indescribably missing this blog too much. Lacking of idea is not the main issue, I had few concerns to be talked about, but they got stuck in my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Here’s the thing, no matter how badly I try to deny, I could recall the comparisons I’ve made between myself and the others. You might be surprise, I know. Normally I ooze the confidence and optimism for some reasons, but not most of the time, I’m so unbeatable when it comes to hiding the vulnerable side in me. If I let my guard down, everything would go shatter.

I might not wear red hijab because I thought, I was too tanned; red only suited the fair-skinned girl. I might not be able to stand in front of class and present, because to be honest, I was too afraid if I spill out the wrong words. Not to mention, sometimes I was afraid if the English pronunciation doesn’t sound right to everyone’s ears.

See, I did have insecurities before, tons of insecurities. Mostly, I compared myself with the girls who impressed me so much; not necessarily everyone else.

Before, I was so envy of what they had and what I did NOT. I was so immersed in the feeling, to some extent, I blocked most of them on my social media. It was childish, no doubt there, seeing more beautiful version of them make me hating myself so I stopped. Little did I know that I always have what they have, but it’s just in different forms, values, colors, shapes, sizes and etc.

I do own a pretty face like they have, but mine is on the unique side rather than the typical beauty standard, it’s exotic. I’m different from the so-called typical Malay Beauty, it’s not in a bad way. Why should I compare myself with the girl who’re fair-skinned? while knowing that most of Malay girls out there, are gunning to own the same complexion. I should be proud with the skin I’m born with, it’s a little on a dark side, not all of my friends are as tanned as me, most of them are fairer.

Thus, it’s time to commemorate my uniqueness – with the tanned skin, thick eyebrows, straight short lashes,  hooded eyes, plump nose, uneven lips, chubby hips and thighs, and my 5 feet height. I may find someone who looks almost the same, but no one would  be 100% exactly like me.

With that being said, I’m so gonna pull off anything I wear and being bold from now on. Wearing full makeup wasn’t my thing before, yes, you’ve seen me wearing dark red lipstick but that was it. I was insecure to swipe on colors on my eyelids, because I thought hooded eyes were not created for wearing eye-shadow.

Have you heard of this before? ‘Makeup should not cover your beauty, instead it should enhanc your beauty.‘ Girls, beauty is not in the makeup or clothing you’re wearing, it’s in you. Well, if that’s so, why’s the soc-med beauty influencers still look more stunning, gorgeous and beautiful than you? Because you’re the one who choose to believe so!

They aren’t going to look so pretty if they don’t have confidence, it’s all about confidence when they are wearing gazillion of different clothes. For me, confidence is exactly like a smile on people’s face. When one’s not smiling, it’s hard to seek for the beauty in her. But, when she put on a huge genuine smile, voila. That’s like confidence. No matter what’s the situation, whether it’s raining – if you’re showing off yourself, no one would realize how intricate the sequins on your top.

Embrace what you have, even the tiniest thing you never put so much thoughts on it, like your body. Insecurities can lead you to be ungrateful. When one says, ‘Why I’m not beautiful as her?’ It shows that you’re being ungrateful of what you have been given by Allah.

Allah could take away what you’ve been gifted, every time I run into the blind people, I could cry right away knowing that how beautiful the blessing Allah has let me borrow from the day 1.

The blind people can’t see how beautiful when it rains, how beautiful the smiles on their children, how beautiful when people laugh or how beautiful the countless of colors. There are few times when I was driving and I couldn’t stop the car to help them crossing the roads, whenever I was in that situation, there were always others to help them. It’s like Allah knows what’s in my mind. 

I am slowly letting go the envy I have towards others who have different blessing than mine. Being able to talk, to see, to hear, to walk, & to touch – are the most beautiful blessing ever. 

As I grow older, I slowly stop comparing everyone’s journey to mine. Keep in mind that no one is walking in your life’s journey, including your husband – you may live together, may share the same bed, still, when he wakes up, he heads to the different road. 

Everyone has their own timeline.

2018-01-10 01.31.37

Several days before completing the three-months of internship at a very well-established company, I received the offer from the company; it was not a permanent job, it was a six-months contract. I accepted the offer knowing that was a rizq from Allah. I only had to wait for a month to start off my very first real job.

Alhamdulillah. I realized 2 things, Allah won’t right away grant my wishes if I hadn’t pray for it (I kept on telling myself if they offer a job, I would be delighted to accept). Not just that, I told my former co-workers & bosses that “I wish to work here if there’s empty spot for me.” Sadly it’s time to part with the company, nine-months of being an assistant to Public Relation Officer taught me a lot. I was able to enhance my skills in the field, up until now, I’m still thankful for the very thick ‘writing portfolio’ I have.

Again, I was lucky, the rizq I hadn’t seen it coming, headed on my way once more. I had just to wait for a month to begin working in a field I’m good at. My boss recommended me to his husband’s company, how lucky I was when someone who’s very experienced appreciates my works. Sadly, it was only 3 months; I wasn’t suit with the advertising agency’s culture. I love the job but I wasn’t great enough to stay after three-months of probation, at times I regret the only 3 months I worked there.

Now, I appreciate it more realizing that if I were to receive a job offer soon, I would know what are the things I should improve. The short months I had there taught me more than the 24 years of living. One day, if I’m ready, I’ll share the experience to the readers.

I was jobless from September 2017 until January 2018, it was too long, five-months. The months helped me reflected on myself as a person. My siblings kept on questioning me on why it was too long for me to receive a job offer, they might be expecting I wasn’t looking for anything.

The first few months they popped out the question, I was mad at them for asking, I hated myself more for unable to prove them how amazing I am. You know how I felt back than? I felt they were looking down on me.

However, towards the end of December, it was all about rizq. That was my thought. Allah never grants us with everything we want. For some reasons, Allah would give s the thing we’re strong enough to bear with. And, Allah would test the ones who aren’t thankful enough for what they have. The most important thing to keep in our mind is, Allah wants to know how badly we want things we wish for.

Now, I realized, before receiving the 2 jobs offers, I wanted the jobs so badly. Hence, it makes sense now, I’m currently working as a Social Media Person. The job I’m good at, the job I’d been waiting for. Not all of us are lucky enough to give back what they had been working on for years in university.

My oldest sister never had a chance to work as an engineer with her Chemical Engineering Degree. On the bright side, she taught chemistry subject for years. Don’t you think being a teacher is the noblest career ever? She never tells me she regrets going through years studying the course. 

My second oldest sister is now a full-time housewife, when everyone else is worrying about how’s everything going on at the nursery, she can cook for their lunch, give them bath. She’s now very thankful for what she does. Not all of the mothers out there are able to do want they wish for.

On the other hand, they both are no married in their 20’s, it’s a blessing. Being able to get married at a younger age is such a blessing to anyone. Being able to have kids are a blessing as well, there’s no guarantee for everyone. Again, it’s a rizq.

There are women out there who’re now holding the highest title in their company, yet they never married. My sisters may not work in the field they had been studied for years, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t lucky or good enough to work in the field, it’s just how  the universe works.

The single women who’re in their 40’s & above may not tell you, but I bet not all of them want to be single, we never know when their time will come, some of them might not get married yet. Some of them might be single forever. 

My cousin is working her ass off as an admin and selling hijab as a part-time job. She was a tourism student, she wants a job in her field. You know why I was jealous of her? When she told me, it’s better now to work in Kelantan because she wants to take care of her mother. I was jealous because I would not have the chance to do the same. Aside from her own will, I believe Allah has written that’s her path so far, and my path to live with my mother ended almost 15 years ago. 

Everyone is going through their own path. If they could be grateful, why not us? Do not get me wrong, wanting more is NOT ungrateful, like, we want more money or we wish for a bigger house. We’re ungrateful when we’re complaining the amount of money we have. Because there are people out there who’re still borrowing some money to rent a house. 

My brother studied pharmacy and is now working as a pharmacist for roughly 10 years. Same goes to my sister who is now working as a senior journalist. They got what they want, we may see them as one of the luckiest, but do we know what are the struggles they had to face and the efforts they had put on throughout the years? No, as a sister, I still do not know everything.

They are single. See? That’s what I’m talking about, despite of we’re so jealous of those who work in the field they want, that doesn’t mean they got everything in one shot.

The grass is always greener on the other side, I love this phrase. Everyone does. It’s so true, yet we should not always keep this in our mind. It tends to prove our point when we’re complaining. Stop complaining if we never make a change, if by complaining change you to be better, than by all means, go for it. If we complain and never change, that’s the end of it.

There were complaints that were plagued in my mind for last couple of months.

I was still dwelling on why I bought a return (not just a one-way) plane tickets to Korea and yet I didn’t go there. I was supposed to travel to ‘my-so-called-wishlist-country’ around early of 2017, the main reason I couldn’t go there was, it was too early for me to apply 7 days leave as a contract employee – it was within the 3 months working. I could still apply if I wanted, it would be unpaid leave; I didn’t because I put on so much thoughts on it. I had to pay for the road tax in the upcoming month, if I go there using the seven-days of unpaid leave, It might affect my saving, my petrol & toll expenses, & my lunch pocket-money. Although I was using my sister’s car, It was on me, it was my responsibilities to take care of everything concerning the car.

Therefore, guys, it’s a lesson learnt. Never plan anything too early beforehand, if we couldn’t read what’s coming in the future. I regret the decision I have made to buy the plane tickets but never in million years I regret facing the problem. The almost RM400 I had burned on it was not meant to be mine at the first place. I always hold onto believe that there’s always someone’s rizq in my money.

Then, I realized, I wasn’t really dwelling on the reasons I couldn’t go there. I was dwelling on the reason why there are girls who’re in their 20’s could go there and I was not one of them. I was such an ungrateful person, some of the girls who went there might not have a job they want up until now, they might have to rent a house while I’m staying at my sister’s, they might have to work the job they aren’t happy with while I was crafting copy writing, & press releases. However, there’s no doubt there were girls who went there using their parents’ money, we should not be jealous, of course their parents want to provide the best life for them. 

The next thing I’m going to talk about is my most regret, I had lots of regret. The last  year’s Ramadhan, I used my saving money treating my siblings and their family with the scrumptious iftar. No one forced me, it was my sole decision, still, to be frank, I feel pressurized to do such thing because I have been burdening my siblings since the first day my mom died, than when my dad passed away. Of course I feel like I had to do it no matter how much saving I had. It was a two-times thing. I had been dreaming to do so even before I had my very first job, so I did. Alhamdulillah, I was very proud of myself for sharing the rizq I had with those who had sacrificed a lot for me – the college fees, flight tickets, meals, clothing & everything. I couldn’t thank them enough for everything, I don’t have any idea my life would be without my siblings & their spouses.

However, when I was jobless and my saving money was getting out of my reach, I put one of the blames on this, Astaghfirullah. I was mad at myself for saying yes, to treat them. I wouldn’t say how much money I had used for treating them. It was huge for me on that time. Because I thought, I could be doing lots of things with it, like paying for a car down-payment or travelling or applying for a mortgage loan. Come to think of it, the money I’d wasted on wasn’t the one I used to pay the bills for the iftars, it was when I bought expensive Starbucks or Coffee Beans’ drinks .

Why should I regret treating them if that was my goal when I was younger? I’m seriously mad at myself for being regretful on the noblest thing I’ve done. So, PLEASE guys, do not ever regret doing such a noble thing to anyone. Allah will multiply reward for the good deeds you’ve done.

Perhaps, it’s not in the same form, it could be in a better form, in which we would never see it’s coming our way. It could be why I’m so healthy, It could be why I’m working in the field I want, It could be why I have a car to go to work though it’s not my car, It could be why I am never starving, It could be anything.

“Verily, Allah has recorded good and bad deeds and He made them clear. Whoever intends to perform a good deed but does not do it, then Allah will record it as a complete good deed. If he intends to do it and does so, then Allah the Exalted will record it as ten good deeds up to seven hundred times as much or even more. If he intends to do a bad deed and does not do it, then Allah will record for him one complete good deed. If he does it then Allah will record for him a single bad deed.”

TO BE CONTINUED…with part 2



2 thoughts on “Sometimes I feel like I’m not grateful…

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