I’ll be waiting here

How do you know you just fell in love? 

I swear to myself that I’m not going to write about my love life or anyone’s love life. Being in love and falling in love with you drives me here. To share with my friends how I’m certain that I’ve fallen in love with someone. Though I doubt now that I’m going to keep on falling in love, I might fall out of love from now on.

When I’m writing this, my tears keep on rolling on my cheeks, my hands are shaking, my heart beats fast – if only you know how much I miss you. I’m not going to hate you for the silent treatment you’ve throwing at me now. I’m not going to regret knowing you, ever. I’m not going regret that it’s now coming to an end. I’m not going to regret telling you how much I love you, for the first time, 20 days ago.

When I’d the first conversation with you, It wasn’t my aim to find a boyfriend – it was just a conversation I needed to get rid of my boredom. You seemed different, just different in a good way, neither flirty nor boring. You were just a man who were super-duper bored, obviously you weren’t trying to hit on me.

It was all started with ‘hi’. Nothing fancy, simple; the word ‘hi’ could be an end to a conversation. Somehow, it was a conversation I didn’t want to end.

To be frank, it was very rare for me to have a long conversation with a man, a stranger to begin with, however, you were the kind of my reflection. We talked about our hobby – one of them is reading! Reading is my number 1 hobby, so any man who reads is damn sexy in my eyes. It’s a ‘thing’ I want in my future husband, because my dream includes instilling a reading habit among my children, and I need a help from a man whom I call husband.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t instantly fall in love that right moment. Neither do I ever realise when was the moment I fell in love with him. But, that was the moment I don’t want to let go.

You told me your favourite food is Fettuccine Alfredo, not knowing that it’s mine too. When I told you it’s mine, you were so shocked. Hahaha. Not to mention, the movie genre we prefer is action. You were like, damn, we have so much in common. Three were enough for me to stay in a conversation with a stranger. I forget what were the other things we talked about. You want to know why’s that? Because you were never once boring.

You asked for my snapchat account, luckily I signed up for the sake of playing with the filters. It was a beginning of a friendship, nothing more – two human beings who were so goddamn bored and thought a friendship could help. It was though, at least I didn’t listen to the same songs over and over. I was like, ‘hmmm, he’s cool,’ I thought. I didn’t know his full names, where he lives or anything like that. There was something about him that gave me the good impression. I was about to tell him my snapchat username, he was gone, because he had to.

I ‘lost’ him for a week, luckily, I accidentally met him again. The truth is, throughout the 1 week, I was hoping to come across him again. My eyes were searching. I was fated to meet you, I guess. I believe in that, that we’re fated to meet each other in our life, but I’m questioning and wondering, what’s for? Whether you’re a man who entered my life to teach me some lessons that I’m not ever sure. Or a man that’s created by Allah s.w.t to be my soulmate. 

I still remember the first chat we had on snapchat, it was about how good you were at pickuplines. Of course you weren’t, you are nerdy, it was the thing that spiced up the chat. If you were like the ‘pickuplines god’, it would surely turn the chat to the infamous hitting-on-girl-session with tons of cliche pickuplines. Hahah. It was a first snapchat I didn’t except, I mean I was expecting you to keep on asking about my biography.

We never skipped a day to have a chat on snapchat, in fact everyday, we never repeated the same old chats, we even thought of the new ones, always, without fail. You just went along with the game I just created on that moment – ‘Tell Me Your 3 Favourites’ Do you still remember this babe? For the fact, I never followed the rules, I kept on telling more than 3 favourites, you just laughed at me, you told me it was cute. It wasn’t a cringe compliment that could make me blush, it was more, it made me now realised that you paid attention to the details.

Someone told me this before, ‘If he makes your heart flutters and beats so fast, he’s not the one. But if he makes you feel safe and warm, marry him.’

Guys, if you question me now, ‘When, where, why & how did we fell in love?’ There’s no definite answer. I could fall in love with him anytime, perhaps the first time he told me I’m beautiful eventhough I used the big mouth filter, anywhere, perhaps when we were chatting on snapchat, because we never went out on a date. 

I would never notice the very first moment I fell in love with him, because there was NO camera was waiting to capture the moment and produce a movie out ouf it; NO music background that you could hear in bollywood movies like in Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, when Salman Khan run into Rani Mukherjee, kissed the hell out of her, she freezed and there it goes, the song starts to come out; NO out of nowhere ‘wind’ strikes, everyone halts what they were doing and freezed in their tracks for a moment, there left us, staring at each other.

Stop picturing the overused cliche scenes in the romantic movies that might not even happen in real world. Nevertheless, because these days, men went all out realising the cliche proposing scenes, we can’t argue if girls wish the cliche falling-in-love scenes can happen any moment to them.

With you, I was more matured. I didn’t throw tantrums like a spoiled girlfriend everytime you told me you were busy with works or you had to get back to work immediatelly after having a lunch. Your lunch time is the moment I’d been anticipating for, everyday. Sigh.

I miss the moment you got in your car and you would text me, ‘Hey, baby, how was it going today? What are you doing? I’m going to get my lunch now, miss you so much!’ And followed by your silly or cute filtered-face. (:

It was the moment I treasure, I would spill out everything. Nonetheless I thought before I spoke; it’s your lunch time you would be busy and stressed out with workloads the whole day, so I’m not going to add on the stress. It was a way I expressed my love and respect to someone who always lighten up my day with his laughs, not his problems.

When you love someone, it’s undoubtedly true that there should be any secret, tell him or her everything, even the bad day you have at work, but it’s not necessarily that right moment he/ she arrives home. It’s time for the comfort, for the sweet gestures. 

You weren’t perfect. You weren’t the handsome face I ‘sometimes’ dreamed for in a boyfriend. I’m not a fussy lady, just that, it’s normal to have your ideal type man, isn’t it girls? But there was something very real about you, that it only made you more handsome to me – the smiles-creases around your eyes, the hawk-fleshy nose, the too fair skinned as compared to my tanned skin and the not so gym-athletic body. Despite of the flawsome in you, nothing halts me from keeps on falling in love, hard.

I was unsure of how it had ever got to this point, things had got a little out of hands recently. Because every relationship has its own struggles. Same goes to us, never once you complained. instead you were always positive and believe that there’s a solution for every problem. Yet. I wasn’t thankful enough for that, I was so overthinking of the future. I was afraid we couldn’t be together for some reasons, so I took such a silly decision to walk away first. We weren’t fighting, we were happy, babe. I trust you, it wasn’t a trust issue. I trusted you before, and I still trust you now.

I don’t know why but I have such a strong instinct that you’re the one for me. That one day,  it’s either me or you who’ll find each other first. I think it’s you. You’ll find me. Come back babe.

Would you be able to fall in love with other girl and letting me go? Knowing that I’m here waiting for you everyday? Would you able to let go of someone you love the most? I won’t stop praying for us. If we love someone, no one understands how does it really feels. People might say that it’s infatuation. But I’m not a young girl who never dates. I’m almost 25. I know how to differentiate love and infatuation.

Love is when I don’t care how you look like despite of your insecurity… Love could be any other reason. And it could be no reason. 

The definition of love would be different for others. People could tell me that it’s not love. But do they feel what I feel for you? Do they really know me.

Would I be able to wait for you for years? I want to but I’m not sure whether I would be strong enough to wait. Would you suprise me on my birthday next month? I wish I only have to wait for days or weeks or months.

Babe, if I could change back time, I would never give up on us. I would never tell you I wanna end this. Because I am not. I am still hoping and waiting for you. Come back back. Please.. I know you read this blogon 24th and two days before,  right?

I miss you.

Love,

Nana

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “I’ll be waiting here

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