I think he left me again, as silly as it sounds, he just did yesterday. And they say lightning doesn’t strike twice. But, this is the third time. I had a silent cry when I read the goodbye text from him, I just sat on my bed not knowing what to do. I was trying really hard to not get hurt again. It just didn’t work on me.
Should I chase after him like I normally do or should I finally say goodbye to someone I love the most in the whole world?
It breaks me, it hurts. I’m not sure how many pieces he breaks my heart into this time around. I let myself grieving, like I always do every time he leaves. Just seeing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. I can’t stop crying in the foetal on my bed while listening to ‘When you’re gone’.
I want to write him a letter begging him to come back but knowing the fact that sending him letter would risk his career. I want to text him ‘good morning’ text like usual, but it is too risky for him.
It’s my favorite part of the day, ‘Good morning baby, happy working, work hard so that I can eat McDonald’s everyday.’
But now, I’m going to sit on my bed, turn off the lights and write myself a letter, a letter to Nana, the girl he didn’t fight for.
Cry as much as you want to, cry when you sing along to the heartbroken songs while gripping the steering wheel like you always do. Cry silently with your hands over your mouth, so no one knows. Cry your eyes out, pour your heart out, release all the aches through the tears. Because one day, you’ll wake up next to a man that won’t never make you shed a tear.
Reminisce all the memories you’ve built together, reminisce how does he look like, reminisce the moment he tilted his head while staring at you. Reminisce how does his voice sound like when he tells you, ‘you’re exceptionally beautiful today’ – He meant it, it was a truth, his words never leave though he chose to leave. Because one day, you’ll decide to not reminisce the memories you’ve once had with a person that you can’t have.
Thank him for all the late night calls. Thank him for being the source of your confidence when other reasons let you down. Thanks him for being the main support system when you told him you want to be writer that inspires, he was there assuring you that no dream is unreachable.
Nana, you know the fact that he’ll be forever a part of you. Even though he chose his career over you. The love he once had for you was genuine. He said goodbye when you were both still in love, you trust him, you know that. He never cheated on you, he never disrespected you, he loved you for who you are, he was there through the ups and down, he was your dream comes true, and he was the man you wanted to be the father of your children.
However, he gave up on love, he gave up on you. That’s not love. If he really loves you, when you love someone you just, you don’t stop.
You love him, you want him to have everything he wants no matter how much it destroys you. You think he deserves the love. Guess what? You’re not the one with regret Raihana, he is.
One day, he’ll look back and realise that he lost a girl, who’s more than just a girlfriend. He lost a best friend who’d been there for him. He lost a girl who prioritized him over herself, you selflessly loved him; you stayed awake for hours so that you could listen to his voice, and talk to him when it was his lunch time. He lost an amazing girl who accepted him for who he was, never once you asked him to lose some weight just because he thought he wasn’t handsome enough for you. He lost a girl who changed his perception of marriage, for some reasons, he wanted to get married, and have kids with you. He lost a girl who loved him the best, he’ll realise the girls who come before or after you could never replace you. He lost a girl for one reason, come to realization that other reasons asked him to stay. He lost a girl who made him wanted to be a better man, without her, all he do is working. You made him alive, you made him wanted to explore the world with you, you made him wanted to read books. He lost a girl he could trust the most, a girl who was extremely loyal, who waited for him twice and still took him back after he fucked up that relationship.
You love him and you just need some guts to go through your days without him. Again and again, you still choose him over other the whole world’s advice, over your own advice. Can you love him from afar? You’ll keep on loving him even without his permission, always. One day, You’ll let him go. You’ll stop tormenting yourself but It’s just hard to let someone go, you know that. Now, tell yourself, how do you look at him, the man you love, and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? If you walk away now, will you both find each other again?
He said, he would do anything to be with you. But he didn’t. That’s an enough reason for you to know what to do.
I’ll wait as long as it takes, and move on when I’m ready. It’s okay if someday, I’ll meet a man and fall in love. Make sure love comes naturally, like he came into my life. Summer Finn, there’s such thing as love. You’re wrong.