A letter to an ex

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

“I won’t ever leave you, even though you’re always leaving me.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

Dear Sam,

It has been days and I still miss you. Do I ever cross your mind? I used to call you babe or baby, it is funny how I finally want to call you Sam.

Sam, I am getting stronger days by days, I halt myself whenever my fingers start typing ‘I miss you’.

The first time you left, I cried selflessly not knowing whether you would come back to me. I texted you almost everyday for two months – saying sorry, explaining myself, and winning your heart back. At times, I texted you with the same excitement, and respect as if I was still your girl. I wasn’t stronger back then, I hold on to you so tight and refused the idea of moving on.

But, the second time you walked away, I started to lose a little respect, I remember calling you ‘jerks’ in my text. I felt upset when my sister told me you weren’t serious about me. I couldn’t seem to explain to her how you felt about me. Perhaps, it is true. Because you were the one who thought we couldn’t make it through. 

I am always afraid if I get attached to temporary people, and that includes you. What if you were just a man I needed on a period of time? I didn’t think I would accept the fact that you were my temporary happiness. Truthfully, I can’t seem to figure it out what were lessons you had taught me. They say, temporary people gives us permanent lessons. I know that I have to slowly believe that not everything is meant to last. Sam, if you were meant to be a temporary happiness in my life, I want you to know that I am forever grateful for the time we had spent together and for the unconditional love you’ve showered me with.

Sam, I would always remember the color of your bluish grey eyes. I would always remember your scruffy face. I would always remember that time when you wore a wrinkled button-up to work. I would always remember when you drove while face-timing (never do it again in the future, it could be dangerous). I would always remember the bean burrito you always had for lunch. I would always remember our most favorite pasta.

I would always remember the way you called me babe. I would always remember when we talked about the differences between our accent and pronunciation. I would always remember that you never had a drink from Starbucks . I would always remember the worst thing you’ve done when you were a kid. I would always remember you prefer me in nude lipstick than a red lipstick. 

However, at some point, I won’t have to remember you.

Sam, I can let you go and still love you. Letting you go wasn’t the difficult part, still loving you is. Again, love alone isn’t enough. I had learned how to recognize something that wasn’t going to work. I had been telling myself that we were going to work this out. The truth is, we aren’t. I am not going live in the past like I used to. I am not going to convince myself that you will come back and it’s time to give you another chance, the third chance.  

What we had was tremendously amazing Sam. But, it would not be a reason for me to keep on letting you in.

I have had enough. I am tired of waiting, I am not going to bluff on this. But, I never regret the chances I had given to you.

It shows what kind of person I am. I am the kind of person who believes in miracle, who believes in second chance, and who believes not everyone deserves a second chance.

I have made a mistake when it comes to you, I loved you too much and it destroyed me on that moment. Turns out, It was a mistake that is meant to happened. I guess, that is what your  have taught me, to prepare for the realness of adulthood.

Adulthood can be unforgettably confusing, I thought I only missed you in the quiet moments, but I missed you when the love songs are blaring from the radio too. Come to realization, memories are made to be remembered, not be erased from our mind.

Sam, with that being said, I won’t erase our memories from my mind, I will let them stay there, to be remembered when I feel like to. Sometimes, perhaps most of the times, I won’t remember you and our memories, that’s because I am on my journey to treasure the love that’s in front of me.

‘I don’t want you to waste your whole life waiting for me’ – this was what you had told me whenever you came back. Sam, It breaks my heart to tell you this, that I am not going to waste my time waiting for you, I found myself in someone’s heart now. Though I am not sure how  far we have come, one thing for sure, that I am finding my happiness again.

He makes feel warm and safe. He makes me want to feel alive again. He makes me wants to travel around the world with him, finally I feel like letting someone replace your spot to be my travel buddy. He makes me want to be myself in front of him, with no make-up on, like I did whenever talking to you.

He is asking me about my family, my late parents, and he is a little bit afraid to meet my family like you felt. I do not know what I have gotten myself into this time around. He reminds me of you, with the hair and eyes color, the same height. But, he is a totally different human. He looks hotter than you, a little muscular, and he goes to gym. He is a little outgoing while you are very shy.

Sam, I just want you to know that I am happy despite of the late night tears that no one knows. I laugh and smile whenever talking to him. I cry because sometimes in a day, I do not remember you at all. I cry because he makes me want to remember him instead of you. I cry because I want him instead of you.

I am sorry if this marks the end of my loyalty towards you.

Sam, I knew someone’s better is exist but I created further pain by refusing to look at it. I guess better things are always ignored. I shall direct my attention to him, do not get me wrong, it’s  not that I think of him as a rebound; I want to make myself believe that there is someone out there who deserves me like I deserve him.

I might eventually have to convince myself that I was hiding behind the idea of ‘you’. I did not see it coming but you made it clear that you do not love the idea of ‘me’. Somewhere inside of me, I keep reminding myself of the ugly truth.

Sam, it took time and careful thoughts for me to finally craft this letter. I spent weeks debating whether I should actually post this letter in my blog, it feels so strange to let people know what was happening between us. But if this the only possible way to ensure the letter reaches you, I would do it.

Sam, my stomach rolls. How I hope this is the right way to say goodbye. Separation between two people who were in love with each other is difficult. I am relieved that I am not alone throughout this healing process, but it must be lonely and tougher for you if you are still not moving on.

Though you are no longer the man I am looking forward to say ‘I love you’ every morning, each day I still find a part of me that still loves you.

It is heartbreaking to ask you this, Sam, I want you to find your love. Do not just settle for anyone, settle for someone that loves you more than I loved you. And if there is some crazy twist of fate that makes you come back, I can’t guarantee you get a hold of me again.

Love,

Nana

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