A letter to an ex

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

“I won’t ever leave you, even though you’re always leaving me.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

Dear Sam,

It has been days and I still miss you. Do I ever cross your mind? I used to call you babe or baby, it is funny how I finally want to call you Sam.

Sam, I am getting stronger days by days, I halt myself whenever my fingers start typing ‘I miss you’.

The first time you left, I cried selflessly not knowing whether you would come back to me. I texted you almost everyday for two months – saying sorry, explaining myself, and winning your heart back. At times, I texted you with the same excitement, and respect as if I was still your girl. I wasn’t stronger back then, I hold on to you so tight and refused the idea of moving on.

But, the second time you walked away, I started to lose a little respect, I remember calling you ‘jerks’ in my text. I felt upset when my sister told me you weren’t serious about me. I couldn’t seem to explain to her how you felt about me. Perhaps, it is true. Because you were the one who thought we couldn’t make it through. 

I am always afraid if I get attached to temporary people, and that includes you. What if you were just a man I needed on a period of time? I didn’t think I would accept the fact that you were my temporary happiness. Truthfully, I can’t seem to figure it out what were lessons you had taught me. They say, temporary people gives us permanent lessons. I know that I have to slowly believe that not everything is meant to last. Sam, if you were meant to be a temporary happiness in my life, I want you to know that I am forever grateful for the time we had spent together and for the unconditional love you’ve showered me with.

Sam, I would always remember the color of your bluish grey eyes. I would always remember your scruffy face. I would always remember that time when you wore a wrinkled button-up to work. I would always remember when you drove while face-timing (never do it again in the future, it could be dangerous). I would always remember the bean burrito you always had for lunch. I would always remember our most favorite pasta.

I would always remember the way you called me babe. I would always remember when we talked about the differences between our accent and pronunciation. I would always remember that you never had a drink from Starbucks . I would always remember the worst thing you’ve done when you were a kid. I would always remember you prefer me in nude lipstick than a red lipstick. 

However, at some point, I won’t have to remember you.

Sam, I can let you go and still love you. Letting you go wasn’t the difficult part, still loving you is. Again, love alone isn’t enough. I had learned how to recognize something that wasn’t going to work. I had been telling myself that we were going to work this out. The truth is, we aren’t. I am not going live in the past like I used to. I am not going to convince myself that you will come back and it’s time to give you another chance, the third chance.  

What we had was tremendously amazing Sam. But, it would not be a reason for me to keep on letting you in.

I have had enough. I am tired of waiting, I am not going to bluff on this. But, I never regret the chances I had given to you.

It shows what kind of person I am. I am the kind of person who believes in miracle, who believes in second chance, and who believes not everyone deserves a second chance.

I have made a mistake when it comes to you, I loved you too much and it destroyed me on that moment. Turns out, It was a mistake that is meant to happened. I guess, that is what your  have taught me, to prepare for the realness of adulthood.

Adulthood can be unforgettably confusing, I thought I only missed you in the quiet moments, but I missed you when the love songs are blaring from the radio too. Come to realization, memories are made to be remembered, not be erased from our mind.

Sam, with that being said, I won’t erase our memories from my mind, I will let them stay there, to be remembered when I feel like to. Sometimes, perhaps most of the times, I won’t remember you and our memories, that’s because I am on my journey to treasure the love that’s in front of me.

‘I don’t want you to waste your whole life waiting for me’ – this was what you had told me whenever you came back. Sam, It breaks my heart to tell you this, that I am not going to waste my time waiting for you, I found myself in someone’s heart now. Though I am not sure how  far we have come, one thing for sure, that I am finding my happiness again.

He makes feel warm and safe. He makes me want to feel alive again. He makes me wants to travel around the world with him, finally I feel like letting someone replace your spot to be my travel buddy. He makes me want to be myself in front of him, with no make-up on, like I did whenever talking to you.

He is asking me about my family, my late parents, and he is a little bit afraid to meet my family like you felt. I do not know what I have gotten myself into this time around. He reminds me of you, with the hair and eyes color, the same height. But, he is a totally different human. He looks hotter than you, a little muscular, and he goes to gym. He is a little outgoing while you are very shy.

Sam, I just want you to know that I am happy despite of the late night tears that no one knows. I laugh and smile whenever talking to him. I cry because sometimes in a day, I do not remember you at all. I cry because he makes me want to remember him instead of you. I cry because I want him instead of you.

I am sorry if this marks the end of my loyalty towards you.

Sam, I knew someone’s better is exist but I created further pain by refusing to look at it. I guess better things are always ignored. I shall direct my attention to him, do not get me wrong, it’s  not that I think of him as a rebound; I want to make myself believe that there is someone out there who deserves me like I deserve him.

I might eventually have to convince myself that I was hiding behind the idea of ‘you’. I did not see it coming but you made it clear that you do not love the idea of ‘me’. Somewhere inside of me, I keep reminding myself of the ugly truth.

Sam, it took time and careful thoughts for me to finally craft this letter. I spent weeks debating whether I should actually post this letter in my blog, it feels so strange to let people know what was happening between us. But if this the only possible way to ensure the letter reaches you, I would do it.

Sam, my stomach rolls. How I hope this is the right way to say goodbye. Separation between two people who were in love with each other is difficult. I am relieved that I am not alone throughout this healing process, but it must be lonely and tougher for you if you are still not moving on.

Though you are no longer the man I am looking forward to say ‘I love you’ every morning, each day I still find a part of me that still loves you.

It is heartbreaking to ask you this, Sam, I want you to find your love. Do not just settle for anyone, settle for someone that loves you more than I loved you. And if there is some crazy twist of fate that makes you come back, I can’t guarantee you get a hold of me again.

Love,

Nana

Wait as long as it takes & move on when you’re ready!

INSPIRATION, LIFE LESSON, LOVE

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I think he left me again, as silly as it sounds, he just did yesterday. And they say lightning doesn’t strike twice. But, this is the third time. I had a silent cry when I read the goodbye text from him, I just sat on my bed not knowing what to do. I was trying really hard to not get hurt again. It just didn’t work on me.

Should I chase after him like I normally do or should I finally say goodbye to someone I love the most in the whole world? 

It breaks me, it hurts. I’m not sure how many pieces he breaks my heart into this time around. I let myself grieving, like I always do every time he leaves. Just seeing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. I can’t stop crying in the foetal on my bed while listening to ‘When you’re gone’. 

I want to write him a letter begging him to come back but knowing the fact that sending him letter would risk his career. I want to text him ‘good morning’ text like usual, but it is too risky for him. 

It’s my favorite part of the day, ‘Good morning baby, happy working, work hard so that I can eat McDonald’s everyday.’

But now, I’m going to sit on my bed, turn off the lights and write myself a letter, a letter to Nana, the girl he didn’t fight for. 

Dear Nana,

It’s okay. 

Cry as much as you want to, cry when you sing along to the heartbroken songs while gripping the steering wheel like you always do. Cry silently with your hands over your mouth, so no one knows. Cry your eyes out, pour your heart out, release all the aches through the tears. Because one day, you’ll wake up next to a man that won’t never make you shed a tear.

Reminisce all the memories you’ve built together, reminisce how does he look like, reminisce the moment he tilted his head while staring at you. Reminisce how does his voice sound like when he tells you, ‘you’re exceptionally beautiful today’ – He meant it, it was a truth, his words never leave though he chose to leave. Because one day, you’ll decide to not reminisce the memories you’ve once had with a person that you can’t have.

Thank him for all the late night calls. Thank him for being the source of your confidence when other reasons let you down. Thanks him for being the main support system when you told him you want to be writer that inspires, he was there assuring you that no dream is unreachable. 

Nana, you know the fact that he’ll be forever a part of you. Even though he chose his career over you. The love he once had for you was genuine. He said goodbye when you were both still in love, you trust him, you know that. He never cheated on you, he never disrespected you, he loved you for who you are, he was there through the ups and down, he was your dream comes true, and he was the man you wanted to be the father of your children.

However, he gave up on love, he gave up on you. That’s not love. If he really loves you, when you love someone you just, you don’t stop.

You love him, you want him to have everything he wants no matter how much it destroys you. You think he deserves the love. Guess what? You’re not the one with regret Raihana, he is.

One day, he’ll look back and realise that he lost a girl, who’s more than just a girlfriend. He lost a best friend who’d been there for him. He lost a girl who prioritized him over herself, you selflessly loved him; you stayed awake for hours so that you could listen to his voice, and talk to him when it was his lunch time. He lost an amazing girl who accepted him for who he was, never once you asked him to lose some weight just because he thought he wasn’t handsome enough for you. He lost a girl who changed his perception of marriage, for some reasons, he wanted to get married, and have kids with you. He lost a girl who loved him the best, he’ll realise the girls who come before or after you could never replace you. He lost a girl for one reason, come to realization that other reasons asked him to stay. He lost a girl who made him wanted to be a better man, without her, all he do is working. You made him alive, you made him wanted to explore the world with you, you made him wanted to read books. He lost a girl he could trust the most, a girl who was extremely loyal, who waited for him twice and still took him back after he fucked up that relationship.

You love him and you just need some guts to go through your days without him. Again and again, you still choose him over other the whole world’s advice, over your own advice. Can you love him from afar? You’ll keep on loving him even without his permission, always. One day, You’ll let him go. You’ll stop tormenting yourself but It’s just hard to let someone go, you know that. Now, tell yourself, how do you look at him, the man you love, and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? If you walk away now, will you both find each other again?

He said, he would do anything to be with you. But he didn’t. That’s an enough reason for you to know what to do.

Sincerely,

Nana

I’ll wait as long as it takes, and move on when I’m ready. It’s okay if someday, I’ll meet a man and fall in love. Make sure love comes naturally, like he came into my life. Summer Finn, there’s such thing as love. You’re wrong.

Love,

Nana

Why I can’t move on & why he came back

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

I cry almost everyday, and sometimes, it was too hurting, like the whole body is crying. Crying in the foetal position on the bed for hours, and wiping the snot and tears from my face, everyday – A routine within the 2 months.

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Breaking up hurts. There’s no word can describe the lingering wound he left in me. However, I choose to go through the process with maturity. Maturity is when I allow myself grieving the loss of a lover. And maturity is to not force myself to fall out of love. 

The truth is, I would never say goodbye to him. I never stop loving him. Loving him prevents me from moving forward. It’s not wrong to keep on loving someone, it goes wrong when you do let it controls you.

I believe, time is the best healer. And I know that one day, I have to let him go. But now, I’m still waiting for him to come back to me, on the other hand, I’ll let the love in, I’ll allow myself to fall in love again.

I only experienced heartbroken once before this recent relationship. But, it was when I was eighteen. I thought, it took almost 5 years for me to really move on. Turns out, it’s not that I still had a feeling for him within the 5 years. 

I was just being thoroughly careful with my decision and choices. When it comes to love, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t take risk. I’m afraid of choosing a wrong man, and who wants a relationship that won’t last long? With that said, yes I could have moved on way earlier than 5 years, but I hindered myself from moving on.

Deep down I knew back than that he wasn’t the one, we never talked about marriage, he never really asked about my family, he called me when he had free times, he was just there, not that he really cared about me, never even once he wanted to declare our relationship. It was an unrequited teenage love I had for him. 

But it was nothing compare to now. This is toughest breakup I had. Indescribable, that’s the word, I have no idea how to describe the pain.

Perhaps, because we had been planning our future together, where would be the wedding ceremony and when would it be. He would move to Kuala Lumpur, get a job that suits him here, and travel to countless of places we both love. Picturing our home, and talking about how lovely it would be to have kids, how do they look like. 

That’s just a plan, it doesn’t sound convincing, but it certainly feels right. 

I’m writing it now because I can’t keep it to myself anymore. That I have faked everything, I can’t even move on. I can’t sleep at night without crying. I have faked it in front of everyone. I’m faking it in front of my family. I only told my 2 sisters, 2 weeks ago, via texts. 

Everyday, for a month I was so miserable, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I might lose an amazing man for good. It’s more than a month he went away. But, how could I still have such a strong feeling that he’s the one for me? 

Sometimes, when you thought you’ve got everything figured out. It wasn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be the way you want it to be. Sometimes, you have such a strong feeling that it’s meant to be. But, it’s actually the opposite. You might not see it now though the signs are always there.

Above are the words I pen down weeks before he came back. Alhamdulillah, he’s back to me now. This time around, I have a word for it, grateful. 

I never chased a man like I chased after him. People say, never chase someone who left you, well, in my situation, I was the one who walked away first. Of course, he didn’t chase after me, because he thought that was what I wanted. Thank god, me being me, when I want something too badly, I would do everything to get to it. 

“I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you…”

I was about to stop chasing after him few days before the last attempt getting him back. Until one day, he decided to talk to me again. I was a bit reluctant creating the newest fake snapchat account, knowing that he never added me, basically all he did was ignoring me at his best. Truthfully, that was the happiest moment in my life, after more than 5 snapchat accounts I created for the sake of winning his heart back, he finally stopped ignoring my efforts.

 “But then, I got your messages and friend requests so I guess I wanted to see how you were and what you were feeling.” – Him 

The almost 2 months of break up opened up a space for both of us to reflect on ourselves, It had made me stronger in facing with his rejection, it had made him stronger in letting me go.

Because, there was no point of having a perfect boyfriend, happiest relationship if we never shed a tear, or have an intense argument over things. Yes, we had a tremendous blast from the first day we met each other to the day I asked for a break up. I guess, the almost 2 months apart from each other was supposed to be happened.

If not, I hadn’t come into realization that in relationship, it’s more than just a love,  more than accepting his imperfections, more than offering endless supports, It needs a mutual understanding, and understanding is all about communication. Communicate, talk, speak up, and voice out everything that are running through our mind.

Some people drift apart for no apparent reason despite of being so near to each other, why should I leave him when our love is still like a fire?

Instead of  crafting long texts saying goodbye, I should reveal everything, why I was so afraid of losing him. I feared we wouldn’t be able to be together. And he shouldn’t remain silent when reading those texts, he should question me why I wanted to leave him.

However, everyone deals with the after effect of a break up differently.

This is him: I love you so much that I want you to be happy, even if that happiness no longer includes me.

And this is me: It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work on this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.

Because, he is a well worth fighting for. Never in a million years I would chase after someone. Hmm, I guess, I should ditch all the pledges I’ve made to myself. Not that I complain!

I questioned myself, why him? He’s busy working, we never go on a date, we’re far from each other, he rarely have a day off, while he’s awake I’m about to sleep, we’re 12 hours apart… and etc.  We’re two people who’re happy together and most likely being apart from each other is miserable. 

I want him, he wants me, we have to work on this everyday, well, Noah’s words are surely overly romantic and only existed in a movie. But, it’s so true, don’t wait, if you want her/ him, get your ass over there, don’t just sit on your sofa reading The Notebook and waiting.

There’s no definite assurance that one day I’ll wake up next to him, but there’s always a tiny assurance to those who don’t give up on love. There’s no dying there would bumps in the road, I can’t keep on dodging them in the hope it won’t be any problem. 

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Love is like a box of pizza, you’ll know what you’re going to get, yet, it’s never enough. – Nana

When you eat a slice of pizza, it’s exhilarating, the next slice would still be exhilarating, but the third slice might be a little deteriorating, and when it reaches the fourth one, it could be the mixture of both.

Often, deteriorating love can’t be fixed. If it’s a mixture of both, exhilarating and deteriorating, save it, find as many as possible way to make it flavourful again.

Love,

Nana

Sometimes I feel like I’m not grateful…

LIFE LESSON

Assalamualaikum (:

Hey there? Whatcha doin’? Any of you here watch Phineas & Ferb? I don’t, that’s the infamous words I would never be able to pronounce exactly the same. Fyi, this is the longest post so far. Go make yourself cozy.

No one was born with the imperfection, those who were born with no arms or legs are special; there are limited edition. We’re perfect in our own ways. Yet, there’s no such thing as ‘she/ he screams perfection.’

Because you should say out loud, ‘I am the one who screams perfection.’ 

Hmm.. let me give you an example, take a look at the Instagram beauty influencers? They make me feel so ugly sometimes, they appear like a porcelain doll with the fairest and flawless skin. Who’re nothing like me! In fact, the complete opposite of me. But, have we seen them in real life? Like, right in front of your face? If you zoom closely, I bet you might find at least one acne scar. Perhaps, they could be having breakouts, don’t forget that makeup can hide anything you wish.

It’s all about practice makes perfect, if you wear makeup everyday, you’ll reach to the point that everyone’s having a hard time finding a tiny smudge on the eye-shadow crease.

It has been a while since the last time we spoke, I mean, the last time I let my fingers danced on the keyboard, It was around middle of January. I have been indescribably missing this blog too much. Lacking of idea is not the main issue, I had few concerns to be talked about, but they got stuck in my mind for the last couple of weeks.

Here’s the thing, no matter how badly I try to deny, I could recall the comparisons I’ve made between myself and the others. You might be surprise, I know. Normally I ooze the confidence and optimism for some reasons, but not most of the time, I’m so unbeatable when it comes to hiding the vulnerable side in me. If I let my guard down, everything would go shatter.

I might not wear red hijab because I thought, I was too tanned; red only suited the fair-skinned girl. I might not be able to stand in front of class and present, because to be honest, I was too afraid if I spill out the wrong words. Not to mention, sometimes I was afraid if the English pronunciation doesn’t sound right to everyone’s ears.

See, I did have insecurities before, tons of insecurities. Mostly, I compared myself with the girls who impressed me so much; not necessarily everyone else.

Before, I was so envy of what they had and what I did NOT. I was so immersed in the feeling, to some extent, I blocked most of them on my social media. It was childish, no doubt there, seeing more beautiful version of them make me hating myself so I stopped. Little did I know that I always have what they have, but it’s just in different forms, values, colors, shapes, sizes and etc.

I do own a pretty face like they have, but mine is on the unique side rather than the typical beauty standard, it’s exotic. I’m different from the so-called typical Malay Beauty, it’s not in a bad way. Why should I compare myself with the girl who’re fair-skinned? while knowing that most of Malay girls out there, are gunning to own the same complexion. I should be proud with the skin I’m born with, it’s a little on a dark side, not all of my friends are as tanned as me, most of them are fairer.

Thus, it’s time to commemorate my uniqueness – with the tanned skin, thick eyebrows, straight short lashes,  hooded eyes, plump nose, uneven lips, chubby hips and thighs, and my 5 feet height. I may find someone who looks almost the same, but no one would  be 100% exactly like me.

With that being said, I’m so gonna pull off anything I wear and being bold from now on. Wearing full makeup wasn’t my thing before, yes, you’ve seen me wearing dark red lipstick but that was it. I was insecure to swipe on colors on my eyelids, because I thought hooded eyes were not created for wearing eye-shadow.

Have you heard of this before? ‘Makeup should not cover your beauty, instead it should enhanc your beauty.‘ Girls, beauty is not in the makeup or clothing you’re wearing, it’s in you. Well, if that’s so, why’s the soc-med beauty influencers still look more stunning, gorgeous and beautiful than you? Because you’re the one who choose to believe so!

They aren’t going to look so pretty if they don’t have confidence, it’s all about confidence when they are wearing gazillion of different clothes. For me, confidence is exactly like a smile on people’s face. When one’s not smiling, it’s hard to seek for the beauty in her. But, when she put on a huge genuine smile, voila. That’s like confidence. No matter what’s the situation, whether it’s raining – if you’re showing off yourself, no one would realize how intricate the sequins on your top.

Embrace what you have, even the tiniest thing you never put so much thoughts on it, like your body. Insecurities can lead you to be ungrateful. When one says, ‘Why I’m not beautiful as her?’ It shows that you’re being ungrateful of what you have been given by Allah.

Allah could take away what you’ve been gifted, every time I run into the blind people, I could cry right away knowing that how beautiful the blessing Allah has let me borrow from the day 1.

The blind people can’t see how beautiful when it rains, how beautiful the smiles on their children, how beautiful when people laugh or how beautiful the countless of colors. There are few times when I was driving and I couldn’t stop the car to help them crossing the roads, whenever I was in that situation, there were always others to help them. It’s like Allah knows what’s in my mind. 

I am slowly letting go the envy I have towards others who have different blessing than mine. Being able to talk, to see, to hear, to walk, & to touch – are the most beautiful blessing ever. 

As I grow older, I slowly stop comparing everyone’s journey to mine. Keep in mind that no one is walking in your life’s journey, including your husband – you may live together, may share the same bed, still, when he wakes up, he heads to the different road. 

Everyone has their own timeline.

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Several days before completing the three-months of internship at a very well-established company, I received the offer from the company; it was not a permanent job, it was a six-months contract. I accepted the offer knowing that was a rizq from Allah. I only had to wait for a month to start off my very first real job.

Alhamdulillah. I realized 2 things, Allah won’t right away grant my wishes if I hadn’t pray for it (I kept on telling myself if they offer a job, I would be delighted to accept). Not just that, I told my former co-workers & bosses that “I wish to work here if there’s empty spot for me.” Sadly it’s time to part with the company, nine-months of being an assistant to Public Relation Officer taught me a lot. I was able to enhance my skills in the field, up until now, I’m still thankful for the very thick ‘writing portfolio’ I have.

Again, I was lucky, the rizq I hadn’t seen it coming, headed on my way once more. I had just to wait for a month to begin working in a field I’m good at. My boss recommended me to his husband’s company, how lucky I was when someone who’s very experienced appreciates my works. Sadly, it was only 3 months; I wasn’t suit with the advertising agency’s culture. I love the job but I wasn’t great enough to stay after three-months of probation, at times I regret the only 3 months I worked there.

Now, I appreciate it more realizing that if I were to receive a job offer soon, I would know what are the things I should improve. The short months I had there taught me more than the 24 years of living. One day, if I’m ready, I’ll share the experience to the readers.

I was jobless from September 2017 until January 2018, it was too long, five-months. The months helped me reflected on myself as a person. My siblings kept on questioning me on why it was too long for me to receive a job offer, they might be expecting I wasn’t looking for anything.

The first few months they popped out the question, I was mad at them for asking, I hated myself more for unable to prove them how amazing I am. You know how I felt back than? I felt they were looking down on me.

However, towards the end of December, it was all about rizq. That was my thought. Allah never grants us with everything we want. For some reasons, Allah would give s the thing we’re strong enough to bear with. And, Allah would test the ones who aren’t thankful enough for what they have. The most important thing to keep in our mind is, Allah wants to know how badly we want things we wish for.

Now, I realized, before receiving the 2 jobs offers, I wanted the jobs so badly. Hence, it makes sense now, I’m currently working as a Social Media Person. The job I’m good at, the job I’d been waiting for. Not all of us are lucky enough to give back what they had been working on for years in university.

My oldest sister never had a chance to work as an engineer with her Chemical Engineering Degree. On the bright side, she taught chemistry subject for years. Don’t you think being a teacher is the noblest career ever? She never tells me she regrets going through years studying the course. 

My second oldest sister is now a full-time housewife, when everyone else is worrying about how’s everything going on at the nursery, she can cook for their lunch, give them bath. She’s now very thankful for what she does. Not all of the mothers out there are able to do want they wish for.

On the other hand, they both are no married in their 20’s, it’s a blessing. Being able to get married at a younger age is such a blessing to anyone. Being able to have kids are a blessing as well, there’s no guarantee for everyone. Again, it’s a rizq.

There are women out there who’re now holding the highest title in their company, yet they never married. My sisters may not work in the field they had been studied for years, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t lucky or good enough to work in the field, it’s just how  the universe works.

The single women who’re in their 40’s & above may not tell you, but I bet not all of them want to be single, we never know when their time will come, some of them might not get married yet. Some of them might be single forever. 

My cousin is working her ass off as an admin and selling hijab as a part-time job. She was a tourism student, she wants a job in her field. You know why I was jealous of her? When she told me, it’s better now to work in Kelantan because she wants to take care of her mother. I was jealous because I would not have the chance to do the same. Aside from her own will, I believe Allah has written that’s her path so far, and my path to live with my mother ended almost 15 years ago. 

Everyone is going through their own path. If they could be grateful, why not us? Do not get me wrong, wanting more is NOT ungrateful, like, we want more money or we wish for a bigger house. We’re ungrateful when we’re complaining the amount of money we have. Because there are people out there who’re still borrowing some money to rent a house. 

My brother studied pharmacy and is now working as a pharmacist for roughly 10 years. Same goes to my sister who is now working as a senior journalist. They got what they want, we may see them as one of the luckiest, but do we know what are the struggles they had to face and the efforts they had put on throughout the years? No, as a sister, I still do not know everything.

They are single. See? That’s what I’m talking about, despite of we’re so jealous of those who work in the field they want, that doesn’t mean they got everything in one shot.

The grass is always greener on the other side, I love this phrase. Everyone does. It’s so true, yet we should not always keep this in our mind. It tends to prove our point when we’re complaining. Stop complaining if we never make a change, if by complaining change you to be better, than by all means, go for it. If we complain and never change, that’s the end of it.

There were complaints that were plagued in my mind for last couple of months.

I was still dwelling on why I bought a return (not just a one-way) plane tickets to Korea and yet I didn’t go there. I was supposed to travel to ‘my-so-called-wishlist-country’ around early of 2017, the main reason I couldn’t go there was, it was too early for me to apply 7 days leave as a contract employee – it was within the 3 months working. I could still apply if I wanted, it would be unpaid leave; I didn’t because I put on so much thoughts on it. I had to pay for the road tax in the upcoming month, if I go there using the seven-days of unpaid leave, It might affect my saving, my petrol & toll expenses, & my lunch pocket-money. Although I was using my sister’s car, It was on me, it was my responsibilities to take care of everything concerning the car.

Therefore, guys, it’s a lesson learnt. Never plan anything too early beforehand, if we couldn’t read what’s coming in the future. I regret the decision I have made to buy the plane tickets but never in million years I regret facing the problem. The almost RM400 I had burned on it was not meant to be mine at the first place. I always hold onto believe that there’s always someone’s rizq in my money.

Then, I realized, I wasn’t really dwelling on the reasons I couldn’t go there. I was dwelling on the reason why there are girls who’re in their 20’s could go there and I was not one of them. I was such an ungrateful person, some of the girls who went there might not have a job they want up until now, they might have to rent a house while I’m staying at my sister’s, they might have to work the job they aren’t happy with while I was crafting copy writing, & press releases. However, there’s no doubt there were girls who went there using their parents’ money, we should not be jealous, of course their parents want to provide the best life for them. 

The next thing I’m going to talk about is my most regret, I had lots of regret. The last  year’s Ramadhan, I used my saving money treating my siblings and their family with the scrumptious iftar. No one forced me, it was my sole decision, still, to be frank, I feel pressurized to do such thing because I have been burdening my siblings since the first day my mom died, than when my dad passed away. Of course I feel like I had to do it no matter how much saving I had. It was a two-times thing. I had been dreaming to do so even before I had my very first job, so I did. Alhamdulillah, I was very proud of myself for sharing the rizq I had with those who had sacrificed a lot for me – the college fees, flight tickets, meals, clothing & everything. I couldn’t thank them enough for everything, I don’t have any idea my life would be without my siblings & their spouses.

However, when I was jobless and my saving money was getting out of my reach, I put one of the blames on this, Astaghfirullah. I was mad at myself for saying yes, to treat them. I wouldn’t say how much money I had used for treating them. It was huge for me on that time. Because I thought, I could be doing lots of things with it, like paying for a car down-payment or travelling or applying for a mortgage loan. Come to think of it, the money I’d wasted on wasn’t the one I used to pay the bills for the iftars, it was when I bought expensive Starbucks or Coffee Beans’ drinks .

Why should I regret treating them if that was my goal when I was younger? I’m seriously mad at myself for being regretful on the noblest thing I’ve done. So, PLEASE guys, do not ever regret doing such a noble thing to anyone. Allah will multiply reward for the good deeds you’ve done.

Perhaps, it’s not in the same form, it could be in a better form, in which we would never see it’s coming our way. It could be why I’m so healthy, It could be why I’m working in the field I want, It could be why I have a car to go to work though it’s not my car, It could be why I am never starving, It could be anything.

“Verily, Allah has recorded good and bad deeds and He made them clear. Whoever intends to perform a good deed but does not do it, then Allah will record it as a complete good deed. If he intends to do it and does so, then Allah the Exalted will record it as ten good deeds up to seven hundred times as much or even more. If he intends to do a bad deed and does not do it, then Allah will record for him one complete good deed. If he does it then Allah will record for him a single bad deed.”

TO BE CONTINUED…with part 2

LOVE,

Nana

THE 3 SHOCKINGLY 2017 MONEY-SPENDING REGRETS

LIFE LESSON

Assalamualaikum!

Let’s be honest, you would be bluffing if you don’t have at least ONE money-spending regret in 2017. Well, to make you feel at ease, I’ll list down my 3 ultimate money-spending regrets throughout 2017. So feel free to share in the comment below with yours! Okay tak? 

1. Starbucks & Coffee Beans’ Beverages 

The last time I had my Starbuck was around end of August (Yeay, almost 4 months without a venti starbucks – Tahniah Nana!).

I bought Mocha Frapuccino which isn’t my favorite after all and the close friend I was there with lectured me on how I wasted my money as she didn’t see that I was going to finish the drink. Yes, I did not. She finished it for me, Thanks bff! 

I ain’t that tough ‘menahan godaan dunia’ when passing by Coffee Beans 2 weeks ago, so I had my favorite Caramel Frapuccino. *Sigh* 

Fyi, my fav trio are (Caramel Frapuccino, Caramel Machiatto & White Mocha) I went 2 to 3 times per month either to Starbucks or Coffee Beans (not every month) 

Now, lemme tell you why I regret being so devoted with Starbucks & Coffee Beans:

  • Each of them (my fav trio) costs around RM15 to RM17. Almost 20 bucks, babes! Now tell me what can I do with the money had I save almost RM50 per month? I could have add on RM50 into my saving piggy bank or save it for any unexpected urgent matter such as paying for medication or car maintenance/ repair.
  • They’re so sugary sweet & caffeinated which is not good for my health, plus I’m not the ‘eat clean’ & ‘keep fit’ kinda girl at all. Though I only drink water at home and consume enough fruits and veges, the intake of my carbohydrates is quite high since normally I love having 2 plates of rice for lunch & for dinner.
  • I kept on peeing more than 4 times throughout the only few hours of drinking and not just that, I tend to shake, a lot! It surely distrupted me at works before, but yeah, 

Do not act so cool if you can’t handle caffeinated drinks.  Know your limits because caffeine is addictive! Addictive won’t result a good outcome. 

2. Grab Car

Long time ago, in the dictionary Kingdom named Nana’s, laziness & procrastinate used to be defined as unavoidable! 

Whenever I was late for work, grab was the life savor.

I used MRT throughout the 3 months working in Taman Tun Dr. Ismail as the distance from Taman Tun MRT Station to my office wasn’t that far and it took only 10 minutes to arrive if you walk like a Japanese which I did. (20 mins la kalau kau jalan lenggang kangkung kebaya kepit tu)

There’s thing you could avoid like waking up late so there’s no such thing as ‘Okay dearself, you can’t avoid being late to work because you woke up late today’. Then it leads to, ‘It’s okay dearself, you can use Grab today because you’re late to work.’ Padahal 10 minutes je kot jalan. Alahai mengadanye you, Nana.

What I’m very dissapointed with myself is, it happened more than twice, more than 5 times, perhaps around 10 times. True that for ONE way it only costs me RM3 or RM4 however if you times by 10, just imagine how many Ringgit I’ve thrown away just like that. Not to mention when the drivers are highly requested at the same particular booking time, the fare would go up to RM6.

Another concern is, when I booked for the grab, there was no guarantee the car was very nearby, sometimes I had to wait up to 5 minutes long and it took around 3 minutes ride to reach my office from there, almost 10 minutes gak gedebuk gedebak. Whereas I could have just walk a little faster, in that 5 minutes time + the time I had used to book and wait for the grab confirmation + the time in the ride, see almost 10 minutes gak gedebuk gedebak!

Because of how lazy and proscrinative I was to wake up earlier, it had driven me to this. Losing my time and money as well. Memang la you nampak sikit je, alah Nana lek ah baru 4 bucks but the thing is I kept on repeating doing it. I had utilized RM40 to RM45 riding grab cars from MRT Station to work while It could have been done in a very short 10 minutes walk. 

3. Hipster Cafes

I do love trying new things, I can’t resist but discovering new foodie spot wherever I go. For instances, when I studied at Kuching, Sarawak, when I had my intern & first job at Petaling Jaya, and when I worked at Taman Tun.

I didn’t go to the hipster cafes often, not every month in 2017.

The 5 months which I didn’t go to the cafes at all are the 4 recent months (Sept to Dec), because I began to realize how crucial the usage of money on things you could have avoided at the first place. And during Ramadhan as well, obviously we’re craving for home-cooked juadah berbuka or Bazaar Ramadhan’s. 

The 3 early months of 2017 (when I worked at Petaling Jaya) marked the times when I had once or just twice trips to hipster cafes. I loved bringing leftover dinner from the night before as my lunch pack.

I was able to save my money due to the almost 3 hours of driving back and forth to work had triggered me to ikat perut a little so that I could prioritise my money for petrol and toll. Plus, there was this Jaya grocer in the lobby where normally I got few cheap pastries or buns for lunch whenever I didn’t bring lunch pack.

So apa yang ‘regret’ sangat ni Nana sebab 5 bulan tak jejakkan kaki dalam hipster cafe and dalam tempoh 3 bulan lagi mungkin satu atau duka kali je pegi?

Okie dokie, here we go! Another 4 months that I didn’t mention above were, when hipster cafes are ‘my thing’, I went to quite a lot of hipster cafes in the duration, more than twice, at most 3 to 4 times in a month.

As a customer, I genuinely expected no less, you’ve paid a slightly high price for a plate of pasta and of course you would anticipate not-just-an-OK-taste. Yet, all you had was only able to put an end to your 4 hours of hunger with a taste of 5 bucks. What I mean here is the taste isn’t worth the 25 bucks you had paid. At least, the portion is big enough you ain’t hungry anymore.

Then, why did I kept on going to another cafes when I knew that there are possibilities some of them would serve lack of worthiness food, not as much as you paid? 

The ultimate reason? I really desired to try the so-called improvised western food either in terms of the taste, condiments or ingredients. No doubt, generally hipster cafes are famous for the westernized food rather than localized food at the very early penetration into Malaysian market. Tu yang jakun sikit he he. 

Aside from satisfying my tastebud, hipster cafes which are very well decorated with various kind of distinctive, quirky and notable themes had enticed me to go and check them out by myself. I’m so fond of taking authentic pictures when I’m into the mood hence I couldn’t resist capturing such startling views of the cafes.

Be wise even if you have banyak duit sekalipun, savour food to the fullest when it comes to the taste, not the face! Break away from the devotion of your instagram-worthiness food, would you?

Sekarang belambak dah hipster cafes ala-ala masakan kampung ni tapi my genuine advice is kalau you nak ala kampung, terus pegi kedai Pak Meon sana or kedai Kak Limah, then it would undeniably satiate your craves. 

P/S: When I encountered such ‘pasta’ situation above, I took my time to ponder; how starving those refugees, homeless people and poor families out there and I’m here dwelling on the poor taste of my pasta. Ya Allah, how ungrateful I was.

Have your own regrets and do not regret having the regrets!

Love ,

Nana