A letter to an ex

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

“I won’t ever leave you, even though you’re always leaving me.” ― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler’s Wife

Dear Sam,

It has been days and I still miss you. Do I ever cross your mind? I used to call you babe or baby, it is funny how I finally want to call you Sam.

Sam, I am getting stronger days by days, I halt myself whenever my fingers start typing ‘I miss you’.

The first time you left, I cried selflessly not knowing whether you would come back to me. I texted you almost everyday for two months – saying sorry, explaining myself, and winning your heart back. At times, I texted you with the same excitement, and respect as if I was still your girl. I wasn’t stronger back then, I hold on to you so tight and refused the idea of moving on.

But, the second time you walked away, I started to lose a little respect, I remember calling you ‘jerks’ in my text. I felt upset when my sister told me you weren’t serious about me. I couldn’t seem to explain to her how you felt about me. Perhaps, it is true. Because you were the one who thought we couldn’t make it through. 

I am always afraid if I get attached to temporary people, and that includes you. What if you were just a man I needed on a period of time? I didn’t think I would accept the fact that you were my temporary happiness. Truthfully, I can’t seem to figure it out what were lessons you had taught me. They say, temporary people gives us permanent lessons. I know that I have to slowly believe that not everything is meant to last. Sam, if you were meant to be a temporary happiness in my life, I want you to know that I am forever grateful for the time we had spent together and for the unconditional love you’ve showered me with.

Sam, I would always remember the color of your bluish grey eyes. I would always remember your scruffy face. I would always remember that time when you wore a wrinkled button-up to work. I would always remember when you drove while face-timing (never do it again in the future, it could be dangerous). I would always remember the bean burrito you always had for lunch. I would always remember our most favorite pasta.

I would always remember the way you called me babe. I would always remember when we talked about the differences between our accent and pronunciation. I would always remember that you never had a drink from Starbucks . I would always remember the worst thing you’ve done when you were a kid. I would always remember you prefer me in nude lipstick than a red lipstick. 

However, at some point, I won’t have to remember you.

Sam, I can let you go and still love you. Letting you go wasn’t the difficult part, still loving you is. Again, love alone isn’t enough. I had learned how to recognize something that wasn’t going to work. I had been telling myself that we were going to work this out. The truth is, we aren’t. I am not going live in the past like I used to. I am not going to convince myself that you will come back and it’s time to give you another chance, the third chance.  

What we had was tremendously amazing Sam. But, it would not be a reason for me to keep on letting you in.

I have had enough. I am tired of waiting, I am not going to bluff on this. But, I never regret the chances I had given to you.

It shows what kind of person I am. I am the kind of person who believes in miracle, who believes in second chance, and who believes not everyone deserves a second chance.

I have made a mistake when it comes to you, I loved you too much and it destroyed me on that moment. Turns out, It was a mistake that is meant to happened. I guess, that is what your  have taught me, to prepare for the realness of adulthood.

Adulthood can be unforgettably confusing, I thought I only missed you in the quiet moments, but I missed you when the love songs are blaring from the radio too. Come to realization, memories are made to be remembered, not be erased from our mind.

Sam, with that being said, I won’t erase our memories from my mind, I will let them stay there, to be remembered when I feel like to. Sometimes, perhaps most of the times, I won’t remember you and our memories, that’s because I am on my journey to treasure the love that’s in front of me.

‘I don’t want you to waste your whole life waiting for me’ – this was what you had told me whenever you came back. Sam, It breaks my heart to tell you this, that I am not going to waste my time waiting for you, I found myself in someone’s heart now. Though I am not sure how  far we have come, one thing for sure, that I am finding my happiness again.

He makes feel warm and safe. He makes me want to feel alive again. He makes me wants to travel around the world with him, finally I feel like letting someone replace your spot to be my travel buddy. He makes me want to be myself in front of him, with no make-up on, like I did whenever talking to you.

He is asking me about my family, my late parents, and he is a little bit afraid to meet my family like you felt. I do not know what I have gotten myself into this time around. He reminds me of you, with the hair and eyes color, the same height. But, he is a totally different human. He looks hotter than you, a little muscular, and he goes to gym. He is a little outgoing while you are very shy.

Sam, I just want you to know that I am happy despite of the late night tears that no one knows. I laugh and smile whenever talking to him. I cry because sometimes in a day, I do not remember you at all. I cry because he makes me want to remember him instead of you. I cry because I want him instead of you.

I am sorry if this marks the end of my loyalty towards you.

Sam, I knew someone’s better is exist but I created further pain by refusing to look at it. I guess better things are always ignored. I shall direct my attention to him, do not get me wrong, it’s  not that I think of him as a rebound; I want to make myself believe that there is someone out there who deserves me like I deserve him.

I might eventually have to convince myself that I was hiding behind the idea of ‘you’. I did not see it coming but you made it clear that you do not love the idea of ‘me’. Somewhere inside of me, I keep reminding myself of the ugly truth.

Sam, it took time and careful thoughts for me to finally craft this letter. I spent weeks debating whether I should actually post this letter in my blog, it feels so strange to let people know what was happening between us. But if this the only possible way to ensure the letter reaches you, I would do it.

Sam, my stomach rolls. How I hope this is the right way to say goodbye. Separation between two people who were in love with each other is difficult. I am relieved that I am not alone throughout this healing process, but it must be lonely and tougher for you if you are still not moving on.

Though you are no longer the man I am looking forward to say ‘I love you’ every morning, each day I still find a part of me that still loves you.

It is heartbreaking to ask you this, Sam, I want you to find your love. Do not just settle for anyone, settle for someone that loves you more than I loved you. And if there is some crazy twist of fate that makes you come back, I can’t guarantee you get a hold of me again.

Love,

Nana

Wait as long as it takes & move on when you’re ready!

INSPIRATION, LIFE LESSON, LOVE

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I think he left me again, as silly as it sounds, he just did yesterday. And they say lightning doesn’t strike twice. But, this is the third time. I had a silent cry when I read the goodbye text from him, I just sat on my bed not knowing what to do. I was trying really hard to not get hurt again. It just didn’t work on me.

Should I chase after him like I normally do or should I finally say goodbye to someone I love the most in the whole world? 

It breaks me, it hurts. I’m not sure how many pieces he breaks my heart into this time around. I let myself grieving, like I always do every time he leaves. Just seeing myself in the mirror is heartbreaking. I can’t stop crying in the foetal on my bed while listening to ‘When you’re gone’. 

I want to write him a letter begging him to come back but knowing the fact that sending him letter would risk his career. I want to text him ‘good morning’ text like usual, but it is too risky for him. 

It’s my favorite part of the day, ‘Good morning baby, happy working, work hard so that I can eat McDonald’s everyday.’

But now, I’m going to sit on my bed, turn off the lights and write myself a letter, a letter to Nana, the girl he didn’t fight for. 

Dear Nana,

It’s okay. 

Cry as much as you want to, cry when you sing along to the heartbroken songs while gripping the steering wheel like you always do. Cry silently with your hands over your mouth, so no one knows. Cry your eyes out, pour your heart out, release all the aches through the tears. Because one day, you’ll wake up next to a man that won’t never make you shed a tear.

Reminisce all the memories you’ve built together, reminisce how does he look like, reminisce the moment he tilted his head while staring at you. Reminisce how does his voice sound like when he tells you, ‘you’re exceptionally beautiful today’ – He meant it, it was a truth, his words never leave though he chose to leave. Because one day, you’ll decide to not reminisce the memories you’ve once had with a person that you can’t have.

Thank him for all the late night calls. Thank him for being the source of your confidence when other reasons let you down. Thanks him for being the main support system when you told him you want to be writer that inspires, he was there assuring you that no dream is unreachable. 

Nana, you know the fact that he’ll be forever a part of you. Even though he chose his career over you. The love he once had for you was genuine. He said goodbye when you were both still in love, you trust him, you know that. He never cheated on you, he never disrespected you, he loved you for who you are, he was there through the ups and down, he was your dream comes true, and he was the man you wanted to be the father of your children.

However, he gave up on love, he gave up on you. That’s not love. If he really loves you, when you love someone you just, you don’t stop.

You love him, you want him to have everything he wants no matter how much it destroys you. You think he deserves the love. Guess what? You’re not the one with regret Raihana, he is.

One day, he’ll look back and realise that he lost a girl, who’s more than just a girlfriend. He lost a best friend who’d been there for him. He lost a girl who prioritized him over herself, you selflessly loved him; you stayed awake for hours so that you could listen to his voice, and talk to him when it was his lunch time. He lost an amazing girl who accepted him for who he was, never once you asked him to lose some weight just because he thought he wasn’t handsome enough for you. He lost a girl who changed his perception of marriage, for some reasons, he wanted to get married, and have kids with you. He lost a girl who loved him the best, he’ll realise the girls who come before or after you could never replace you. He lost a girl for one reason, come to realization that other reasons asked him to stay. He lost a girl who made him wanted to be a better man, without her, all he do is working. You made him alive, you made him wanted to explore the world with you, you made him wanted to read books. He lost a girl he could trust the most, a girl who was extremely loyal, who waited for him twice and still took him back after he fucked up that relationship.

You love him and you just need some guts to go through your days without him. Again and again, you still choose him over other the whole world’s advice, over your own advice. Can you love him from afar? You’ll keep on loving him even without his permission, always. One day, You’ll let him go. You’ll stop tormenting yourself but It’s just hard to let someone go, you know that. Now, tell yourself, how do you look at him, the man you love, and tell yourself it’s time to walk away? If you walk away now, will you both find each other again?

He said, he would do anything to be with you. But he didn’t. That’s an enough reason for you to know what to do.

Sincerely,

Nana

I’ll wait as long as it takes, and move on when I’m ready. It’s okay if someday, I’ll meet a man and fall in love. Make sure love comes naturally, like he came into my life. Summer Finn, there’s such thing as love. You’re wrong.

Love,

Nana

Why I can’t move on & why he came back

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

I cry almost everyday, and sometimes, it was too hurting, like the whole body is crying. Crying in the foetal position on the bed for hours, and wiping the snot and tears from my face, everyday – A routine within the 2 months.

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Breaking up hurts. There’s no word can describe the lingering wound he left in me. However, I choose to go through the process with maturity. Maturity is when I allow myself grieving the loss of a lover. And maturity is to not force myself to fall out of love. 

The truth is, I would never say goodbye to him. I never stop loving him. Loving him prevents me from moving forward. It’s not wrong to keep on loving someone, it goes wrong when you do let it controls you.

I believe, time is the best healer. And I know that one day, I have to let him go. But now, I’m still waiting for him to come back to me, on the other hand, I’ll let the love in, I’ll allow myself to fall in love again.

I only experienced heartbroken once before this recent relationship. But, it was when I was eighteen. I thought, it took almost 5 years for me to really move on. Turns out, it’s not that I still had a feeling for him within the 5 years. 

I was just being thoroughly careful with my decision and choices. When it comes to love, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t take risk. I’m afraid of choosing a wrong man, and who wants a relationship that won’t last long? With that said, yes I could have moved on way earlier than 5 years, but I hindered myself from moving on.

Deep down I knew back than that he wasn’t the one, we never talked about marriage, he never really asked about my family, he called me when he had free times, he was just there, not that he really cared about me, never even once he wanted to declare our relationship. It was an unrequited teenage love I had for him. 

But it was nothing compare to now. This is toughest breakup I had. Indescribable, that’s the word, I have no idea how to describe the pain.

Perhaps, because we had been planning our future together, where would be the wedding ceremony and when would it be. He would move to Kuala Lumpur, get a job that suits him here, and travel to countless of places we both love. Picturing our home, and talking about how lovely it would be to have kids, how do they look like. 

That’s just a plan, it doesn’t sound convincing, but it certainly feels right. 

I’m writing it now because I can’t keep it to myself anymore. That I have faked everything, I can’t even move on. I can’t sleep at night without crying. I have faked it in front of everyone. I’m faking it in front of my family. I only told my 2 sisters, 2 weeks ago, via texts. 

Everyday, for a month I was so miserable, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I might lose an amazing man for good. It’s more than a month he went away. But, how could I still have such a strong feeling that he’s the one for me? 

Sometimes, when you thought you’ve got everything figured out. It wasn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be the way you want it to be. Sometimes, you have such a strong feeling that it’s meant to be. But, it’s actually the opposite. You might not see it now though the signs are always there.

Above are the words I pen down weeks before he came back. Alhamdulillah, he’s back to me now. This time around, I have a word for it, grateful. 

I never chased a man like I chased after him. People say, never chase someone who left you, well, in my situation, I was the one who walked away first. Of course, he didn’t chase after me, because he thought that was what I wanted. Thank god, me being me, when I want something too badly, I would do everything to get to it. 

“I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you…”

I was about to stop chasing after him few days before the last attempt getting him back. Until one day, he decided to talk to me again. I was a bit reluctant creating the newest fake snapchat account, knowing that he never added me, basically all he did was ignoring me at his best. Truthfully, that was the happiest moment in my life, after more than 5 snapchat accounts I created for the sake of winning his heart back, he finally stopped ignoring my efforts.

 “But then, I got your messages and friend requests so I guess I wanted to see how you were and what you were feeling.” – Him 

The almost 2 months of break up opened up a space for both of us to reflect on ourselves, It had made me stronger in facing with his rejection, it had made him stronger in letting me go.

Because, there was no point of having a perfect boyfriend, happiest relationship if we never shed a tear, or have an intense argument over things. Yes, we had a tremendous blast from the first day we met each other to the day I asked for a break up. I guess, the almost 2 months apart from each other was supposed to be happened.

If not, I hadn’t come into realization that in relationship, it’s more than just a love,  more than accepting his imperfections, more than offering endless supports, It needs a mutual understanding, and understanding is all about communication. Communicate, talk, speak up, and voice out everything that are running through our mind.

Some people drift apart for no apparent reason despite of being so near to each other, why should I leave him when our love is still like a fire?

Instead of  crafting long texts saying goodbye, I should reveal everything, why I was so afraid of losing him. I feared we wouldn’t be able to be together. And he shouldn’t remain silent when reading those texts, he should question me why I wanted to leave him.

However, everyone deals with the after effect of a break up differently.

This is him: I love you so much that I want you to be happy, even if that happiness no longer includes me.

And this is me: It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work on this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.

Because, he is a well worth fighting for. Never in a million years I would chase after someone. Hmm, I guess, I should ditch all the pledges I’ve made to myself. Not that I complain!

I questioned myself, why him? He’s busy working, we never go on a date, we’re far from each other, he rarely have a day off, while he’s awake I’m about to sleep, we’re 12 hours apart… and etc.  We’re two people who’re happy together and most likely being apart from each other is miserable. 

I want him, he wants me, we have to work on this everyday, well, Noah’s words are surely overly romantic and only existed in a movie. But, it’s so true, don’t wait, if you want her/ him, get your ass over there, don’t just sit on your sofa reading The Notebook and waiting.

There’s no definite assurance that one day I’ll wake up next to him, but there’s always a tiny assurance to those who don’t give up on love. There’s no dying there would bumps in the road, I can’t keep on dodging them in the hope it won’t be any problem. 

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Love is like a box of pizza, you’ll know what you’re going to get, yet, it’s never enough. – Nana

When you eat a slice of pizza, it’s exhilarating, the next slice would still be exhilarating, but the third slice might be a little deteriorating, and when it reaches the fourth one, it could be the mixture of both.

Often, deteriorating love can’t be fixed. If it’s a mixture of both, exhilarating and deteriorating, save it, find as many as possible way to make it flavourful again.

Love,

Nana

My Top 5 Nicholas Sparks Movie Ranking

LOVE, ME TAG, MOVIES

Can someone hand me a box of tissue?

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Watching Nicholas Sparks’ movies for the weekend isn’t a good choice for someone to move on. I had no plan to watch any romance movie in the recent time. But, for the sake of Spark’s movie ranking, I sacrificed my eyes.

When you’re into romance books, you had a high expectation for the movies adapted from you favorite books. I’m fairly certain that if you read all Sparks books before watching the movies, you would be anticipating the indescribable chemistry between the lead actors. Yet, you wish to see a very refreshing scenes that’ll stick to your brain. 

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Kissing in the rain, canoeing in a lake, sending love letters, disapproving parents are so synonym with Sparks! As you read this, it reminds you of Noah and Allie. Safe to say that their on-screen chemistry are too good to be denied. Well, even I still have my undying crush on Ryan Gosling just because of The Notebook.

For someone who’re always immersed herself in a movie, she’ll notice that John and Savannah wrote letters to each other, Alex asked Katie to go canoeing with him, Will’s mother shows her disapproval of his relationship with Ronnie. *Sigh*

Let’s cut the crap. It’s time for the ranking. Number 1 goes to…

1. The Best of Me

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The sweetest scene I love in the movie

Spark’s movie that I watched more than The Notebook. Well, no doubt James Marsden and his scruffy face make me drooling throughout the whole movie.

Though the love story is a bit cliché, rich girl falls for poor boy. To make it more ironic, Dawson comes from drug-dealing family. Then here comes the parents disapproval… oh yeah a kissing scene in the rain too. lol.

When I first watched the trailer, I couldn’t seem to guess what’s all about. 

Any romance movie that involves with years of separation surely entice me to keep on waiting the day they’ll cross path again (Girls always be girls, expecting the happily ever after) 

To make girls cry, heartbreaking ending will do. I didn’t expect Dawson to be dead at the end. “I lost you once, I’m not going to lose you again.” When your long-lost bf tells you this, course it kind of guarantees that he’s not going anywhere. 

Death does happen in real life, and it could be the number 1 reason you’re not meant to be together with you lover. I can’t say no to any movie with a realistic twist. 

2. A walk to remember

The very first Sparks movie that I watched. Who could say no to a movie of a dying teenager who just fall in love with the infamous bad boy.

Not to mention, who could say no to Shane West, I mean Landon, believe it or not, he’s the forever bad boy you’ll have a crush on. I was in high school watching the movie and I wished there’s famous bad boy with that laid-back attitude and a crooked smile.

And Jamie’s character as a religious teenager is brilliant idea to set off Sparks movies in 2000’s. Because we hardly see a movie with a lead actress like Jamie.

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When someone tells you to not fall in love with her, she knows you’ll and you know you’ll. Well, don’t you feel it always happens in real life. Love is funny sometimes, you know you can’t be together, yet you don’t want to stop loving her. 

The word ‘scared’ – the movie depicts the fear of losing people we love. 

Jamie: “You know the real reason why you’re so scared?” Landon: “It’s because you want to be with me too. 

Jamie: “I’m scared of not being with you”  Landon: “Oh baby that will never happen”

A quite decent movie! Very brief kissing scenes, and there’s no sex scene, still, people would watch it over and over again. Because love is love after all, you don’t have to come out with sex scene to make people realize it’s love.

Love is indeed can’t be seen. ‘But our love, is like the wind, I can’t see it, I can feel it.

3. The Last Song

Not the most romantic movie I’ve ever watched. But, it moves my heart with its own way. When I’m in the mood, I would slip under my blanket, turn off the light, and immerse myself in it.

And again, the cliché teenage love story. A rich boy falls for a normal girl. She’s not blonde, at some point, she was insecure of his playboy past.

As usual, Nana is a forever fan girl of those hot male celeb out there, It’s freaking Liam everyone! 

Perhaps, because it portrays the love between a father and a daughter. Or the quotes that you wish they come out from your mouth. At times, I feel like I’m Ronnie, I tend to push people away. People who I love the most. 

“Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.” 

This movie is something real, it opens my eyes to see the things I refuse to see before.

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The part where Ronnie finally read her father’s letters, shows that love letter isn’t just about you and you boyfriend. 

5. The Longest Ride

Love letters. Again. However, Sparks makes a twist with this one. It works, partially, entirely? Nay. A cowboy and a city girl falls for each other? Not so surprise, Sparks’ masterpiece is all about love from the different world. 

What made me stayed throughout the movie? It’s all about the true love between Ira & Ruth! They may not be the lead couples, but they touch my heart more than the other. You’ll feel like you’re one of them, that you’re in love.

Ruth wants lots of children and Ira is unable to father a child because he suffers from the war injury. I can’t believe such love exists, Ira let Ruth leaves him to have the happiness in the world. Hoping that she’ll have children. 

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Appreciate your other half despite of she/ he has nothing to offer except love. Love wins everything. Always. 

5. The Notebook

Noah sent Allie 365 letters, for a year.  He built Allie a house. He waited Allie to come back to her though it took her to fall for another guy. Tell me what’s more tragic than this? And Allie’s mother kept the letters from her.

The fact that Allie falls for another guy and come back to him, that’s the reason The Notebook is not my number 1. The Notebook is too good to be true, it’s too tragic to some extent, I’m afraid I might not be able to wait for him like Noah did. 

The fact that Noah is willing to wait for her for years is what’s everyone looks forward in a romance movie. Love is all about being in that together, nobody says it’s easy, it may be hard. But if you want her, you’ll cross the ocean for her.

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And what’s more romantic than watching Noah reads to her when she doesn’t even remember him?  True love withstands the test of time, not everyone can ignite the spark after years of relationship. I believe, elderly couples do, in fact, they might not even realize they do.

Done, my 5 favorite Sparks movies! Comment below what’s your favorites! 

How can I stop crying if this what I’m talking about? While it might not always be easy to wait for someone, not knowing what he feels, no one can halt me from hoping. I don’t know why but I believe he still loves me, it’s only a month, how can he lose the feeling? 

The scariest thing about distance is, he might forget me, he might be dating someone now. What if he loses weight and girls fall for him? Will he falls for any of them? I wish Sparks comes across my blog and makes a book or a movie out of it. 

Love, 

Nana

 

 

Move on tips from the freshly heartbroken Nana!

LOVE, TIPS

You know what’s the most painful feeling a human will go through? When you force yourself to fall out of love. Because your relationship is no longer a relationship you could be dreamed of. We can’t never get everything we want. 

Perhaps, the relationship isn’t fated to be yours. Heartbreak is extremely painful (If only I could show you my swollen-eyes…) Everyone would go through this, at least once. They had moved on. It could be years, months or just few weeks to move on. But, they did. Nothing comes easy, it took times and extra efforts to move forward, to carry on your life while wondering how does it goes for him. 

Move on. You can’t stop moving forward. It’s hard, but you have to force yourself. Don’t force too hard, be a little loose on yourself. 

Accept the fact that it comes to an end. Love doesn’t guarantee any relationship stays forever. Sometimes, it’s not because he stops loving you, if it’s meant to end, It would.

Girls, stop begging him to stay. Stop dwelling on the reasons he got away. Stop wondering why he chose to walk away. 

I survive. My heart might not fully heal yet, but I’m not going to dwell on the past. I’m going to move on, to continue living my life to the fullest.

Living your life to the fullest doesn’t mean you have to forget the past. It doesn’t mean you have to get rid of the memories from your mind, be a little loose remember? Let the memories stay, but, accept the fact that the moments were temporary, because that’s how the universe works. You have to experience losses, heartbreak, rejection & failure. 

Living your life to the fullest proves that you’re strong enough to let go of something that isn’t meant to be yours at the first. It proves that you finally believe that not everything you lost are your losses. 

Ouch! Enough with the teary eyes. Let me bring you to the paradise of moving on! 

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1. STOP watching any kind of romance movies or TV series!

Don’t ask me why! Because it will bring you back to the moments you don’t want to remember. Watch fun games show on TV. Do not ever watch The Bachelor kind of reality show! Believe it or not, The Bachelor is a huge setback for you to move forward. It won’t heal your lonely-broken heart and far from make it easier. And cliche-romance-scenes might trigger you to find a rebound at instant. And you don’t need that, trust me. Falling in love should come naturally. It should be your fun time girls. It’s time for you to laugh your ass off. My suggestion would go to everyone’s favorite Korean Reality TV Show, Running man. 

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2. Constantly making times for your passions!

Don’t tell me you don’t have at least one passion! But, If you don’t, it’s normal. There are people out there who’re still confused on the difference between hobby & passion. Perhaps, it’s time for your passion discovery. Passion is not just about the things you believe you’re good at. It’s a passion when you aren’t really good at it, but no matter how costly or time-consuming for you to become better at it, you’ll try to make time. It’s beyond efforts or money you’ve sacrificed. You’ll realize it’s your passion when you don’t feel like wasting your time, and you crave to do it if it’s been a while. Above all, you’ll know it’s not a passion if you aren’t happy. Happiness is the key! You know what I’m super-duper happy about? Writing, reading, cooking pasta, food hunting, and travel (due to the very unavoidable time & financial contrast, I have to put aside my travel bucket list. Anyone wants to give me free tickets to anywhere in this world? 

3. Learn something NEW!

You would never go wrong with learning or trying something new! What’s your latest new thing? Mine, It would be inventing a new pasta sauce. I don’t even know what should I name it, and the most fun part is, I enjoyed myself doing that. When you come out with a new creation, a new idea or a new invention. It’s a proof you’re loving yourself by discovering your hidden potential. So, what are you waiting for? Get your ass somewhere. No, I am not kidding. Now, learn new thing, it doesn’t waste your time, take risk. You can’t be good at everything but you can try everything! 

P/S: Should I learn how to crimp a curry puff? Because I’ve tried buckets of time, yet, they never looked like a curry puff. Don’t lose hope Nana. It doesn’t hurt me to try, right? 

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4. Go on a food hunting! 

Omg, this is my forever favorite! Who could say no to Cendol, Kuih Keria, Apam Balik, Roti Canai, & Malaysian FoodYou should eat like Dean, looks like he couldn’t help but grabbing a mouthful of burrito. Just remember to tone down a little bit on the staring part. Instead of spending your money on romance movie tickets, it’s better off this way. 😉 Don’t be afraid of gaining weight, you could handle it afterwards, the more important thing is, you should devour scrumptious Malaysian food before you’re getting old. I know you’re getting older, you might have to cut off the consumption of spicy and sugary food. But as for now, welcome food with warm hands. Food is world’s wonder after all.

Hmmm… I’m thinking of going to food hunting this weekend, where should I head to? Ipoh anyone? 

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5. Have a short escape (preferably fun)!

Come on, who could resist a chance to have a few days off! Pack your bag, buy a walk-in ticket, and pick a location. Malaysia has countless of short-getaway places girls! Choose what’s your favorite, solo trip or BFF road trip. Then, you’re ready to go. Embrace your short escape moments, I reckon it’s better to turn off the phone! Fill your day with lots of activities. Well, exclude the girl’s talk session! It’s a huge concern that’ll lead you on conversing about your ex. And girls, you aren’t living life to the fullest if you aren’t checking out hot foreigner dudes! It’s my favorite, anytime, anywhere. Haha. Let’s cut the crap, have you watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty? If you haven’t, you should. My all time favorite. “Life is about courage and going into the unknown” 

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6. Make some changes! 

Again, a tough decision to make, but when we’ve done 1 change, we would be addicted. Truthfully, the decision I’d made to cut off my waist length hair to chest length to bob cut in a month, it wasn’t solely because of the hair falls. Breaking up with him was one of the reason. Never get it wrong, changes is amazing. I felt good cutting my hair off though I’m so into wavy-long hair. It has shown me that I’m able to cope with the changes. Thus, now I know why I’m able to hide my heartbreak tears in front of my family. Because I choose to go through this heartbreak with maturity. 

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The 6 easy and thoughtful tips from the girl who’re in the moving on phase. Oh yeah, why I didn’t tell you to delete his numbers, texts or social media? Because you should have done that way before coming across my blog!

Take back the shattered pieces of your heart, don’t try to fix it if it doesn’t match. It’s hurting way more than when it’s broken. – Nana

 

Love,

Nana

I’ll be waiting here

LOVE

How do you know you just fell in love? 

I swear to myself that I’m not going to write about my love life or anyone’s love life. Being in love and falling in love with you drives me here. To share with my friends how I’m certain that I’ve fallen in love with someone. Though I doubt now that I’m going to keep on falling in love, I might fall out of love from now on.

When I’m writing this, my tears keep on rolling on my cheeks, my hands are shaking, my heart beats fast – if only you know how much I miss you. I’m not going to hate you for the silent treatment you’ve throwing at me now. I’m not going to regret knowing you, ever. I’m not going regret that it’s now coming to an end. I’m not going to regret telling you how much I love you, for the first time, 20 days ago.

When I’d the first conversation with you, It wasn’t my aim to find a boyfriend – it was just a conversation I needed to get rid of my boredom. You seemed different, just different in a good way, neither flirty nor boring. You were just a man who were super-duper bored, obviously you weren’t trying to hit on me.

It was all started with ‘hi’. Nothing fancy, simple; the word ‘hi’ could be an end to a conversation. Somehow, it was a conversation I didn’t want to end.

To be frank, it was very rare for me to have a long conversation with a man, a stranger to begin with, however, you were the kind of my reflection. We talked about our hobby – one of them is reading! Reading is my number 1 hobby, so any man who reads is damn sexy in my eyes. It’s a ‘thing’ I want in my future husband, because my dream includes instilling a reading habit among my children, and I need a help from a man whom I call husband.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t instantly fall in love that right moment. Neither do I ever realise when was the moment I fell in love with him. But, that was the moment I don’t want to let go.

You told me your favourite food is Fettuccine Alfredo, not knowing that it’s mine too. When I told you it’s mine, you were so shocked. Hahaha. Not to mention, the movie genre we prefer is action. You were like, damn, we have so much in common. Three were enough for me to stay in a conversation with a stranger. I forget what were the other things we talked about. You want to know why’s that? Because you were never once boring.

You asked for my snapchat account, luckily I signed up for the sake of playing with the filters. It was a beginning of a friendship, nothing more – two human beings who were so goddamn bored and thought a friendship could help. It was though, at least I didn’t listen to the same songs over and over. I was like, ‘hmmm, he’s cool,’ I thought. I didn’t know his full names, where he lives or anything like that. There was something about him that gave me the good impression. I was about to tell him my snapchat username, he was gone, because he had to.

I ‘lost’ him for a week, luckily, I accidentally met him again. The truth is, throughout the 1 week, I was hoping to come across him again. My eyes were searching. I was fated to meet you, I guess. I believe in that, that we’re fated to meet each other in our life, but I’m questioning and wondering, what’s for? Whether you’re a man who entered my life to teach me some lessons that I’m not ever sure. Or a man that’s created by Allah s.w.t to be my soulmate. 

I still remember the first chat we had on snapchat, it was about how good you were at pickuplines. Of course you weren’t, you are nerdy, it was the thing that spiced up the chat. If you were like the ‘pickuplines god’, it would surely turn the chat to the infamous hitting-on-girl-session with tons of cliche pickuplines. Hahah. It was a first snapchat I didn’t except, I mean I was expecting you to keep on asking about my biography.

We never skipped a day to have a chat on snapchat, in fact everyday, we never repeated the same old chats, we even thought of the new ones, always, without fail. You just went along with the game I just created on that moment – ‘Tell Me Your 3 Favourites’ Do you still remember this babe? For the fact, I never followed the rules, I kept on telling more than 3 favourites, you just laughed at me, you told me it was cute. It wasn’t a cringe compliment that could make me blush, it was more, it made me now realised that you paid attention to the details.

Someone told me this before, ‘If he makes your heart flutters and beats so fast, he’s not the one. But if he makes you feel safe and warm, marry him.’

Guys, if you question me now, ‘When, where, why & how did we fell in love?’ There’s no definite answer. I could fall in love with him anytime, perhaps the first time he told me I’m beautiful eventhough I used the big mouth filter, anywhere, perhaps when we were chatting on snapchat, because we never went out on a date. 

I would never notice the very first moment I fell in love with him, because there was NO camera was waiting to capture the moment and produce a movie out ouf it; NO music background that you could hear in bollywood movies like in Har Dil Jo Pyar Karega, when Salman Khan run into Rani Mukherjee, kissed the hell out of her, she freezed and there it goes, the song starts to come out; NO out of nowhere ‘wind’ strikes, everyone halts what they were doing and freezed in their tracks for a moment, there left us, staring at each other.

Stop picturing the overused cliche scenes in the romantic movies that might not even happen in real world. Nevertheless, because these days, men went all out realising the cliche proposing scenes, we can’t argue if girls wish the cliche falling-in-love scenes can happen any moment to them.

With you, I was more matured. I didn’t throw tantrums like a spoiled girlfriend everytime you told me you were busy with works or you had to get back to work immediatelly after having a lunch. Your lunch time is the moment I’d been anticipating for, everyday. Sigh.

I miss the moment you got in your car and you would text me, ‘Hey, baby, how was it going today? What are you doing? I’m going to get my lunch now, miss you so much!’ And followed by your silly or cute filtered-face. (:

It was the moment I treasure, I would spill out everything. Nonetheless I thought before I spoke; it’s your lunch time you would be busy and stressed out with workloads the whole day, so I’m not going to add on the stress. It was a way I expressed my love and respect to someone who always lighten up my day with his laughs, not his problems.

When you love someone, it’s undoubtedly true that there should be any secret, tell him or her everything, even the bad day you have at work, but it’s not necessarily that right moment he/ she arrives home. It’s time for the comfort, for the sweet gestures. 

You weren’t perfect. You weren’t the handsome face I ‘sometimes’ dreamed for in a boyfriend. I’m not a fussy lady, just that, it’s normal to have your ideal type man, isn’t it girls? But there was something very real about you, that it only made you more handsome to me – the smiles-creases around your eyes, the hawk-fleshy nose, the too fair skinned as compared to my tanned skin and the not so gym-athletic body. Despite of the flawsome in you, nothing halts me from keeps on falling in love, hard.

I was unsure of how it had ever got to this point, things had got a little out of hands recently. Because every relationship has its own struggles. Same goes to us, never once you complained. instead you were always positive and believe that there’s a solution for every problem. Yet. I wasn’t thankful enough for that, I was so overthinking of the future. I was afraid we couldn’t be together for some reasons, so I took such a silly decision to walk away first. We weren’t fighting, we were happy, babe. I trust you, it wasn’t a trust issue. I trusted you before, and I still trust you now.

I don’t know why but I have such a strong instinct that you’re the one for me. That one day,  it’s either me or you who’ll find each other first. I think it’s you. You’ll find me. Come back babe.

Would you be able to fall in love with other girl and letting me go? Knowing that I’m here waiting for you everyday? Would you able to let go of someone you love the most? I won’t stop praying for us. If we love someone, no one understands how does it really feels. People might say that it’s infatuation. But I’m not a young girl who never dates. I’m almost 25. I know how to differentiate love and infatuation.

Love is when I don’t care how you look like despite of your insecurity… Love could be any other reason. And it could be no reason. 

The definition of love would be different for others. People could tell me that it’s not love. But do they feel what I feel for you? Do they really know me.

Would I be able to wait for you for years? I want to but I’m not sure whether I would be strong enough to wait. Would you suprise me on my birthday next month? I wish I only have to wait for days or weeks or months.

Babe, if I could change back time, I would never give up on us. I would never tell you I wanna end this. Because I am not. I am still hoping and waiting for you. Come back back. Please.. I know you read this blogon 24th and two days before,  right?

I miss you.

Love,

Nana