Why I can’t move on & why he came back

LIFE LESSON, LOVE

I cry almost everyday, and sometimes, it was too hurting, like the whole body is crying. Crying in the foetal position on the bed for hours, and wiping the snot and tears from my face, everyday – A routine within the 2 months.

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Breaking up hurts. There’s no word can describe the lingering wound he left in me. However, I choose to go through the process with maturity. Maturity is when I allow myself grieving the loss of a lover. And maturity is to not force myself to fall out of love. 

The truth is, I would never say goodbye to him. I never stop loving him. Loving him prevents me from moving forward. It’s not wrong to keep on loving someone, it goes wrong when you do let it controls you.

I believe, time is the best healer. And I know that one day, I have to let him go. But now, I’m still waiting for him to come back to me, on the other hand, I’ll let the love in, I’ll allow myself to fall in love again.

I only experienced heartbroken once before this recent relationship. But, it was when I was eighteen. I thought, it took almost 5 years for me to really move on. Turns out, it’s not that I still had a feeling for him within the 5 years. 

I was just being thoroughly careful with my decision and choices. When it comes to love, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t take risk. I’m afraid of choosing a wrong man, and who wants a relationship that won’t last long? With that said, yes I could have moved on way earlier than 5 years, but I hindered myself from moving on.

Deep down I knew back than that he wasn’t the one, we never talked about marriage, he never really asked about my family, he called me when he had free times, he was just there, not that he really cared about me, never even once he wanted to declare our relationship. It was an unrequited teenage love I had for him. 

But it was nothing compare to now. This is toughest breakup I had. Indescribable, that’s the word, I have no idea how to describe the pain.

Perhaps, because we had been planning our future together, where would be the wedding ceremony and when would it be. He would move to Kuala Lumpur, get a job that suits him here, and travel to countless of places we both love. Picturing our home, and talking about how lovely it would be to have kids, how do they look like. 

That’s just a plan, it doesn’t sound convincing, but it certainly feels right. 

I’m writing it now because I can’t keep it to myself anymore. That I have faked everything, I can’t even move on. I can’t sleep at night without crying. I have faked it in front of everyone. I’m faking it in front of my family. I only told my 2 sisters, 2 weeks ago, via texts. 

Everyday, for a month I was so miserable, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I might lose an amazing man for good. It’s more than a month he went away. But, how could I still have such a strong feeling that he’s the one for me? 

Sometimes, when you thought you’ve got everything figured out. It wasn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be the way you want it to be. Sometimes, you have such a strong feeling that it’s meant to be. But, it’s actually the opposite. You might not see it now though the signs are always there.

Above are the words I pen down weeks before he came back. Alhamdulillah, he’s back to me now. This time around, I have a word for it, grateful. 

I never chased a man like I chased after him. People say, never chase someone who left you, well, in my situation, I was the one who walked away first. Of course, he didn’t chase after me, because he thought that was what I wanted. Thank god, me being me, when I want something too badly, I would do everything to get to it. 

“I’ve been running through the jungle
I’ve been running with the wolves
To get to you, to get to you…”

I was about to stop chasing after him few days before the last attempt getting him back. Until one day, he decided to talk to me again. I was a bit reluctant creating the newest fake snapchat account, knowing that he never added me, basically all he did was ignoring me at his best. Truthfully, that was the happiest moment in my life, after more than 5 snapchat accounts I created for the sake of winning his heart back, he finally stopped ignoring my efforts.

 “But then, I got your messages and friend requests so I guess I wanted to see how you were and what you were feeling.” – Him 

The almost 2 months of break up opened up a space for both of us to reflect on ourselves, It had made me stronger in facing with his rejection, it had made him stronger in letting me go.

Because, there was no point of having a perfect boyfriend, happiest relationship if we never shed a tear, or have an intense argument over things. Yes, we had a tremendous blast from the first day we met each other to the day I asked for a break up. I guess, the almost 2 months apart from each other was supposed to be happened.

If not, I hadn’t come into realization that in relationship, it’s more than just a love,  more than accepting his imperfections, more than offering endless supports, It needs a mutual understanding, and understanding is all about communication. Communicate, talk, speak up, and voice out everything that are running through our mind.

Some people drift apart for no apparent reason despite of being so near to each other, why should I leave him when our love is still like a fire?

Instead of  crafting long texts saying goodbye, I should reveal everything, why I was so afraid of losing him. I feared we wouldn’t be able to be together. And he shouldn’t remain silent when reading those texts, he should question me why I wanted to leave him.

However, everyone deals with the after effect of a break up differently.

This is him: I love you so much that I want you to be happy, even if that happiness no longer includes me.

And this is me: It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work on this every day, but I want to do that because I want you.

Because, he is a well worth fighting for. Never in a million years I would chase after someone. Hmm, I guess, I should ditch all the pledges I’ve made to myself. Not that I complain!

I questioned myself, why him? He’s busy working, we never go on a date, we’re far from each other, he rarely have a day off, while he’s awake I’m about to sleep, we’re 12 hours apart… and etc.  We’re two people who’re happy together and most likely being apart from each other is miserable. 

I want him, he wants me, we have to work on this everyday, well, Noah’s words are surely overly romantic and only existed in a movie. But, it’s so true, don’t wait, if you want her/ him, get your ass over there, don’t just sit on your sofa reading The Notebook and waiting.

There’s no definite assurance that one day I’ll wake up next to him, but there’s always a tiny assurance to those who don’t give up on love. There’s no dying there would bumps in the road, I can’t keep on dodging them in the hope it won’t be any problem. 

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Love is like a box of pizza, you’ll know what you’re going to get, yet, it’s never enough. – Nana

When you eat a slice of pizza, it’s exhilarating, the next slice would still be exhilarating, but the third slice might be a little deteriorating, and when it reaches the fourth one, it could be the mixture of both.

Often, deteriorating love can’t be fixed. If it’s a mixture of both, exhilarating and deteriorating, save it, find as many as possible way to make it flavourful again.

Love,

Nana